Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

It's been a while since I bopped over here to post something new. Some days, I think I'm lucky just to get out of bed.

So. What's the current scoop? My oldest son is ashamed of us, I think. I've been asking him to come and visit for weeks (on an every other day basis, at least). Instead, he comes home with his roommate - whose mom lives in the same town as us - and stays at her house then calls at the last minute on Sunday to see if he can come and visit. Right before we're going to worship team practice. And then he didn't even come over. He's my son from my first marriage. I can't say how must that hurt.

Then there's oldest daughter. She who just became a mom. I've gotten to see my grandson maybe three times since she left our home (she stayed with us for about a week). I should probably make more effort to just get myself over to whereever it is she's staying and see him, but that takes time of which I have very little free.

Younger daughter is still a chore. Always wants something but doesn't lift a finger to pick up even her own messes. Her boyfriend is still living with us, but since his mom got out of jail, he'll probably be moving back home soon. That means I won't get to see my granddaughter much. He's her primary caregiver. My daughter likes to stay at his house as much as possible because she can cuss all she wants and smoke all she wants while she's there. Probably have sex with her boyfriend too. All things we just don't allow.

My youngest son has a mohawk. Spiked up with gel and eyeliner on his eyes to boot. He looks like the kind of kid I would not let my kids hang out with. It's hard to be out in public with him for the looks I get from people I know casually. I know it's only hair and that while he looks like a punk, he's really a very good kid (for the most part - he is, afterall, 13!).

My grandkids are healthy and happy kids. Whatever messes their parents are (their mothers are sisters, their fathers are brothers), those kids are doing great.

At church, I'm taking on a new role and I'm scared spitless. I've led worship before as a fill-in until someone permenant could take my place, then as back up for the pastor who does it now. But he wants to turn it over to me full-time. That's going to be a continual struggle for me. My class is going well, but I want to do something more there. Something more challenging.

My health is an issue these days. When hubby changed jobs, we changed insurances. The new one said my brain tumor was a pre-existing condition and wouldn't insure me for 12 months. So I haven't been able to take my meds. I'm lactating again (though not spontaneously like before) and I've stopped having periods again. My teeth need to be fixed, but it costs an arm and a leg and we're trying to get caught up on bills. I have headaches every day. I don't know if they're from the tumor or something new. I'm just waiting for the day my blood pressure goes from borderline to high (and it will - so says my doctor). The first thing she always says is to lower my stress but I'd have to run away from home to do that.

Work is a drudgery. I can hardly motivate myself to come here except for the time I spend on the computer. Which probably isn't good. More and more I just want to quit. The stuff with my boss isn't so bad because I've been working on it. But there are days when I would run away if I could.

And the icing on the cake? Hubby finally convinced me to sing with him at church. He's a bass and I'm soprano/alto so we have a hard time finding music that fits our voices. But we found one great song that's a bass/tenor duet that I can do. But the key is that he has to sing the melody and I have to harmonize. That's exactly opposite of what we're used to. I always sing melody and he always harmonizes. We were supposed to work on it last night. The kids were all gone at some church youth group (not our church) and we had the house to ourselves. He said he was going out to smoke his last cigarette of the nite (another thing I'm not happy about) then we could work on the song.

About 45 minutes later I realize that he hasn't come to get me. He was in bed reading. I got mad and started yelling. Then I realized something wasn't right. I asked and I was right. He was drunk. Stumbling drunk. We fought for hours. I kept trying to end it, because it's pointless to argue with a drunk. But we sleep in the same bed. I couldn't get him to let me disengage. He said some of the most awful, hurtful things about my character. I probably did the same. I've known for a long time that he had a problem in that area, but I honestly thought I was exaggerating. To have him admit to me that he believes he has a drinking problem was almost too much to bear.

So...my good deed for the day is this: See! Whatever you were dealing with isn't as bad as you thought, is it?