A moment of clarity

Here, on the eve of my 40th birthday, I've finally put my finger on what's been bothering me. I'm not where I wanted to be by this time in my life.

We all have dreams when we're young. I had many. Most involved performing in some way, shape or form. Singing or acting or some-such. I think there's still a flavor of that in my life, but not in my job.

I'm not in the career I wanted. I'm not in TV journalism. I'm not in print journalism anymore. I'm not a clinical psychologist. I'm not even a LMSW. I think I have the skills to be a therapist. I just need to get the degree and get the license. But to do that would require time away from my family that the last excursion to college showed me I can't afford. So I'm in a low-pay, dead end job. Just a job. Not a career. Little respect. Difficult work. Not something I want to still be doing in 10 years.

My kids, while the joy of my life, have had struggles that have made me question my ability to parent. Oldest son is great. But he has to go into great debt to get through college. I hesitate to even think of how much $$ he will have to pay. He HAS to get a good job when he graduates so he can pay back his loans. And that would be because I couldn't afford to foot the bill.

Oldest daughter is in a diploma completion program. But she's 20 years old and has two children. Not the order I had in mind. I'm thankful she's married and is on her way to a happy life, but she's overcome incredible hurdles and has many more in her path.

Younger daughter is also a parent. In fact, she became one at 16. Again...not exactly what I wanted for her. I have to wonder what part I played in that scenario. If I'd been home more... If'd I had been more strict... More lenient... She's got a long way to go before she gets to that place her sister is at. She has a lot of hurdles behind her and in front of her. And she doesn't want to take advice of those who've been there before her. Especially her mom.

Youngest son is a drama-magnet like no other. He's also been depressed and deals with learning difficulties. I can't remember the last time he was really happy. He's not on a good path. He won't go to church with us. He seldom likes to spend time with us.

And my marriage is definitely not what I dreamed about, either as a little girl or as a grown woman. Hubby is financially irresponsible. But instead of learning and doing better, he seems to be going the opposite direction. And physically, I don't know what's the matter with him, but he does not seem interested in me anymore. Instead of seeing this time of my life as my prime, it seems that my best years are long past and there's nothing good to look forward to. I have enormous fears about Hubby's health and he seems determined to undermine it. I've asked him to up his life insurance policy because I can feel in my bones that he is going to die suddenly and sooner rather than later. We have wonderful friendship. Great companionship. But there are other areas that I feel are important in a marriage that are simply not there anymore.

At church, while I have a semi-leadership role(s) in that I teach most of the adults and lead the worship service, I'm just a puppet. I hate it that I feel this way, but I feel patronized more than supported and appreciated. I am hoping to quit both roles this year. Even though I know it will be difficult to give up things I love (teaching) or used to love (singing), I feel it's the only way to save my sanity.

I have several good friends, but whether it's a lack of my own character or that I just didn't get the "have friends" gene, it's not what I want. I have one friend my own age. One person in my same place in life. The rest of my friends are much younger or quite a bit older. And I can't seem to spend enough time with any of them. I'm usually so exhausted from trying to keep house after a family that only thinks of messing it up, working at a difficult job and trying to keep up with demands of church and family...it's wonderful when I get the chance to spend time with friends but they're usually with their other friends.

Then there's my faith. I desire more than anything to be close to God. But I have experienced a level of doubt in the last five years that I've never experienced in my entire life as a believer. I have seen more of the crap that usually turns people away from religion altogether recently! I'm still hanging in there, but it's increasingly difficult. Again with the patronizing. I have some fundamental differences of belief from the denomination I attend (but am not a member of). It would seem that my pastor believes this is just because I don't understand. Not that I might possibly disagree.

Add in the guilt that I can't be there enough for my nieces and nephew or my sisters and brothers-in-law or parents and it seems that this is a recipe for complete discontent with life stew.

On one hand, it feels good to recognize all this. Diagnosis is half the problem. Now maybe I can address each issue and find some resolution.