rambling thoughts

Work sucks. Can I say that loud enough?

Now, really, the job itself is pretty good. It's stressful right now for various reasons but none of those reasons is the actual job. Just the crap that goes WITH it.

What I miss is being a stay at home mom. I made our home. I've been a "working mom" for seven years now and since that time, no one has made our house into a home. There's a perpetual mess that embarrasses me. I can't keep up with it. Even if all I did after coming home from work was clean house, it would be the same every day. I am occasionally jealous of those friends of mine who get to stay home and who have clean houses. Who are not embarrassed when someone comes over.

I really do pray for a day when I can quit working. Don't know when that might be. And maybe not just quite my job entirely, but do something else. Like work at the school. Be a para. Be a substitute teacher. I could probably sub for almost as much as I make right now.

The anniversary of Kat and TJ's deaths is approaching. I find myself very moody and out of sorts. And while Mike is very sympathetic and understanding, I don't think anyone else is. I'm going to stay home from work that day but I'll probably be spending time with my mom. Which I'm not really looking forward to. Not that I don't love my mom. But she tends to drive me crazy. She's miffed (not really angry) that Mike and Vena and their girls as well as DeDe and Eddie and their girls are all going out of the state for the anniversary. It's going to be a very hard time for them. But mom has said to me more than once that she was in the accident too and they're leaving her all alone. Like being in an accident together is the same as losing a child. There are days I just don't get my mom. Love her, yeah. Get her? Lord no!

So, somehow I'm going to deal with my own grief. I think I'll get up at the usual time and go to the cemetery(s) and do some early morning pictures. THEN I'll find mom and keep her company.

The other great news is that Derrick and Nina have decided that they can't afford to stay in a motel forever (it's costing them $600 a month, apparently). Derrick is staying with his grandparents and Nina and Lynn are staying with us. Derrick has to be at his grandparent's house before 10:30 pm because they lock the doors then whether he's there or not. We have a similar rule. It's for two weeks and we're trying to have some firmly set rules.

I'm not interested in making my daughter "pay" for anything, but I'm expecting her to help out. I guess it might be worth it to get Lynn into a real home. I'm surprised they agreed to have separate living arrangements for the two weeks. Any way you slice it, though, it's going to be tough.

So anyhow...life is chaotic and I can't seem to get a handle on it right now. Work is stressing me out and so is my health. I think I'm a hypochondriac! Since my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I worry about that. Every gurgle in my tummy has me convinced I'm going to die a wasting death before my time! Yes. I know. I should just go in to the doctor's and get checked out! Pretty simple solution. I guess I could try that.

Thanking God

I like to surf the blogosphere. That means "read other blogs" for those of you who don't engage in this past-time! Anyways, I often find myself reading post after post and comment after comment on the gender debate going on in many christian circles. Reading those blogs often leads me to some interesting new blogs...but I digress.

I recently read about a preacher in a Southern Baptist church who said that one of the responses men have for women who try to usurp their authority is abuse. Many have said that he doesn't mean that women cause their own abuse, but it's kinda hard to read anything ELSE into that.

When I first read about that (and later, when I was reading through the 814 responses to one bloggers post about it), I just sat with my mouth open in that "is this for real?" way some of us have.

My physical response was also common: I could feel my blood pressure rise. I could feel my heart speed up. My teeth clenched. I leaned in until my breath was fogging up my monitor.

And then, God blessed me with a memory: I attend a church that is outside this dogfight. I attend a church that has been ordaining women since they begain 100 years ago. Maybe there aren't many women pastors, but they do exist. In my church, I am able to exercise my gifts and talents without regard to my gender. I'm able to teach adults (women AND men, often more of the latter). I lead worship. And occasionally, when things get mucked up as sometimes they do, I have had the responsibility of handling the service. All that matters is my ability to do so, not my plumbing.

So I was able to push back from the screen and excersize my ability to click on that little red "X" in the upper right corner of the screen and remove all that stress from my mind.