Is this thing on?

*brushing off the dust*

Wow. It's been a while since I've been here. I spend much of my time giving my less than humble opinion to various and sundry message boards. Maybe I need to work on the humble part a bit. Nah!!

So where has life taken me in these last few months? Nowhere I'd ask you to follow.

In July, my sister who lives in Louisiana came for a visit. At the tag end of her visit, she, our mother, her older two kids and the oldest daughter of our younger sister were on their way to decorate for our grandma's 80th birthday party. On the way, they were broadsided by a truck that blew through a stop sign at nearly 70 miles per hour. My niece and nephew, the oldest children of both of my younger sisters, were killed instantly. My sister lives today only thanks to the side airbag her van had. My mother and other niece were also injured pretty severely.

You can sort of prepare, as you get older I suppose, for the deaths of your parents and grandparents. Less than four weeks after these tragic deaths, my grandfather gave up trying to hang on and passed away. It was so much easier to accept this. He had lived a long and satisfying life. I have a lifetime of happy memories and very few regrets regarding him.

But you don't even consider that you'll ever bury children. They weren't my children. With the most guilty heart I thank God that my children - difficult as our relationships have been - are still alive. I grieve for my parents who lost two of their grandchilren. I only have to grandkids but I can't imagine losing either of them. I grieve for my sisters. They hurt in ways that I, as their big sister forever dedicated to taking care of them, can not alleviate. I hurt for my nieces who are missing a big brother and a big sister. But I hurt for myself.

I hurt because I only saw my nephew TJ 4 times in his life. I did not know him. And that opportunity is forever lost. I hurt because Kat was my mini-me. We were so much alike that my mother often called her "Tami." There were times in the last couple of years that I saw her and nearly wept. Not because she looked just like me (though the resemblance was there) but because she was like me. A little awkward. Tall and gangly. Pretty but so unsure of herself. A tomboy who wanted to be a girly girl and didn't quite know how to get from here to there.

I ache for the regrets. Kat died two weeks after her 10th birthday. On that day, I went to my friend's house to scrap. I could have told the friend we'd need to reschedule even though my sister hadn't told me about any planned celebration. A few weeks before the accident, we were at the lake and Kat wanted to play. I wanted to sit in the sun.

But one regret I don't have is that for the last couple of years, Mike and I have been taking Kat and her sisters to church. Kat had a ready and real testimony of God's work in her life. She invited others to church often. She told people about Jesus. She befriended new kids at church.

This picture was taken the day before Kat and TJ were killed. It's a vacation bible school program the girls all attended with some friends. TJ didn't go because he was a little too old (not quite 12). The niece who survived the crash told my oldest daughter that they had been singing when the accident happened. Thinking about that, it occured to me that they would have been singing the songs they learned in VBS. You can't know the peace it brings my heart to know that she went into eternity with praises to God on her lips.

Word Vomit

If you've seen the movie "Mean Girls," you know what I mean by the term "word vomit." Sometimes, you just have to get something out. Purging it out here meant my friends were all spared a recitation of my woes. They likely appreciate that!

So I've decided that I'm the most pathetic individual on the planet. Due to a couple of very long hour days, I can't clock in until 11 am. I know. Woe is me.

However, I got to the office at 7:45 am. Yep. I'm just hanging out. Reading the paper. Eating a bowl of oatmeal and drinking my coffee. Reading blogs and posting to mine. Checking out the various message boards I belong to. All in an effort to avoid my own home.

It is a disaster. Really. Just horribly dirty. I can't move anywhere without tripping over something someone else should have picked up but left for me to do instead. I'll likely spend Friday evening and most of Saturday cleaning. I think I'm just taking the passive/aggressive role here. I live with one grown man and two teenagers (three if my daugher's boyfriend is still with us). I'm not the only one who can wash dishes (I'm just the one with the least time to do it). I'm not the only one who can do laundry, but I will continue to do that as I like things to go to their rightful owner. My daughter has a tendency to take my clothes.

So. Here I am. Hanging out in my office as the lesser of two evils. I need a new life!

Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

It's been a while since I bopped over here to post something new. Some days, I think I'm lucky just to get out of bed.

So. What's the current scoop? My oldest son is ashamed of us, I think. I've been asking him to come and visit for weeks (on an every other day basis, at least). Instead, he comes home with his roommate - whose mom lives in the same town as us - and stays at her house then calls at the last minute on Sunday to see if he can come and visit. Right before we're going to worship team practice. And then he didn't even come over. He's my son from my first marriage. I can't say how must that hurt.

Then there's oldest daughter. She who just became a mom. I've gotten to see my grandson maybe three times since she left our home (she stayed with us for about a week). I should probably make more effort to just get myself over to whereever it is she's staying and see him, but that takes time of which I have very little free.

Younger daughter is still a chore. Always wants something but doesn't lift a finger to pick up even her own messes. Her boyfriend is still living with us, but since his mom got out of jail, he'll probably be moving back home soon. That means I won't get to see my granddaughter much. He's her primary caregiver. My daughter likes to stay at his house as much as possible because she can cuss all she wants and smoke all she wants while she's there. Probably have sex with her boyfriend too. All things we just don't allow.

My youngest son has a mohawk. Spiked up with gel and eyeliner on his eyes to boot. He looks like the kind of kid I would not let my kids hang out with. It's hard to be out in public with him for the looks I get from people I know casually. I know it's only hair and that while he looks like a punk, he's really a very good kid (for the most part - he is, afterall, 13!).

My grandkids are healthy and happy kids. Whatever messes their parents are (their mothers are sisters, their fathers are brothers), those kids are doing great.

At church, I'm taking on a new role and I'm scared spitless. I've led worship before as a fill-in until someone permenant could take my place, then as back up for the pastor who does it now. But he wants to turn it over to me full-time. That's going to be a continual struggle for me. My class is going well, but I want to do something more there. Something more challenging.

My health is an issue these days. When hubby changed jobs, we changed insurances. The new one said my brain tumor was a pre-existing condition and wouldn't insure me for 12 months. So I haven't been able to take my meds. I'm lactating again (though not spontaneously like before) and I've stopped having periods again. My teeth need to be fixed, but it costs an arm and a leg and we're trying to get caught up on bills. I have headaches every day. I don't know if they're from the tumor or something new. I'm just waiting for the day my blood pressure goes from borderline to high (and it will - so says my doctor). The first thing she always says is to lower my stress but I'd have to run away from home to do that.

Work is a drudgery. I can hardly motivate myself to come here except for the time I spend on the computer. Which probably isn't good. More and more I just want to quit. The stuff with my boss isn't so bad because I've been working on it. But there are days when I would run away if I could.

And the icing on the cake? Hubby finally convinced me to sing with him at church. He's a bass and I'm soprano/alto so we have a hard time finding music that fits our voices. But we found one great song that's a bass/tenor duet that I can do. But the key is that he has to sing the melody and I have to harmonize. That's exactly opposite of what we're used to. I always sing melody and he always harmonizes. We were supposed to work on it last night. The kids were all gone at some church youth group (not our church) and we had the house to ourselves. He said he was going out to smoke his last cigarette of the nite (another thing I'm not happy about) then we could work on the song.

About 45 minutes later I realize that he hasn't come to get me. He was in bed reading. I got mad and started yelling. Then I realized something wasn't right. I asked and I was right. He was drunk. Stumbling drunk. We fought for hours. I kept trying to end it, because it's pointless to argue with a drunk. But we sleep in the same bed. I couldn't get him to let me disengage. He said some of the most awful, hurtful things about my character. I probably did the same. I've known for a long time that he had a problem in that area, but I honestly thought I was exaggerating. To have him admit to me that he believes he has a drinking problem was almost too much to bear.

So...my good deed for the day is this: See! Whatever you were dealing with isn't as bad as you thought, is it?

Back to your regularly scheduled programing

Well, the conference was wonderful. I learned a lot and the house didn't burn down while I was gone. A HUGE mess was left but persons who shall remain nameless - but who all live with me!! - but I expected that.

When I got home it was to find my husband crying listening to some accompainment tracks we'd ordered last weekend. You know, despite all the problems we've had and all the crap that's still going on, I feel secure knowing that my husband desires God's will for his life. Everything else will fall into place. That secure feeling is pretty nice.

I got to do some scrapping with a few more pages just percolating in my mind. I've got a zillion pictures for layouts but no time to put them all together. I'm going to be going to my friend's house next week and hopefully I'll come away with a lot done. I'm pretty excited!

I am looking so forward to the time in my life when I'll have time for my life. It seems so unreachable right now. No time to scrap. No time for landscape photography. No time for exercising. No time to watch a movie.

Soon. I can feel it. Soon I'll have me back. Soon I'll be able to enjoy my life instead of rushing through it at top speed.

My creative manifesto

Why do I create?
Because I must. It's as simple as that. I am a creative person who sees the world in that way. The more I create, the more that must come out of me!

What is the most important part of a scrapbook page for me?
The photos. I have really begun to enjoy photography so right now, the photo is king. It used to be the journaling, but that would have to be second and only when there's an important story to tell.

How does my attitude effect the outcome of my projects?
If I have a crappy attitude, it's like putting a dam over a river. Nothing flows.

What are my personal truths related to scrapbooking and creativity?
"Tell the REAL" story. I think my favorite layouts, well, the ones with the awesome photos are my favorite. But my second favorite layouts are the ones with the hard stories. Like when Mike got laid off. Or the one about how I felt having a brain tumor.

What do I tell myself each time I am working on a project?
"Do it right. Don't rush just to get it done." That's my worst quality in every area of my life. I get impatient, hurry through whatever it is and regret it.

Retreat!

I'm headed up to KC to go to a music and drama conference with our church's piano player.

I realized that I never do anything just by itself. Even when I sleep...I toss and turn so much that I'm exercizing too! So while I'm at this conference learning how to be a good worship leader, I'll be using the down time as my personal spiritual retreat. I really need that. No matter how busy I'll be over the few days that follow trying to catch up on what I missed, I need some time to center myself, focus and remember what I do all this for.

Next weekend, I have a day off work so I have plans to go scrap with my best friend. THAT is soooooooo over due!! There are some mighty big differences in our lives and in our personalities but I have always felt like she is my sister. And more than that, she is the one person in my life who is in the same PLACE I am. Not geographically. But metaphysically. We're both moms to teens. We're both driven. We are both creative but had to have that pointed out to us. So many more things. I love her. :)

Blogging Challenge!

What books and/or magazines did I read this month?

I have read several scrapbook magazines and re-read two mags on baby pages. I'm reading a book called "Worn Out Woman" that I'm enjoying. But all in all, my reading is down.

What movies and/or tv shows did I watch this month?

All the CSI shows that were new, a few episodes of Criminal Minds, NCIS and The Unit that were reruns and a little bit of junk on cable. Movies...I never have time for movies. Oh wait! Hubby and I watched the Disney/Pixar movie Cars. It was so cute!!

What special days did I celebrate and how?

The only special day I celebrated was the birth of my grandson. And I celebrated by cleaning the house. Yipee.

What gifts did I give and/or receive?

I gave the daughter who gave birth some diapers, wipes, baby wash and a cute footed baby coat. I gave a new outfit to both grandkids.

What illnesses or health concerns did I have?

I still worry about my pituitary tumor. Since changing insurance carriers with hubby's job change, I've been without my meds.

What fun things did I do with my friends and/or family?

I've spent a couple of days just "being" with hubby and one day spent with younest son and hubby shopping.

What new foods, recipes or restaurants did I try this month?

I haven't tried anything new, but I have taken back the job of chief cook at my house. We eat later, but we eat more regularly. I enjoy cooking again.

What special or unusual purchases did I make?

Just things for the grandkids. Nothing unusual. I have spent quite a bit of $$ on scrap/card stuff.

What were this month's disappointments?

I had to put off buying a new dryer. That totally sucks.

What were my accomplishments this month?

Ummmmmmmmmmm...I don't think I've done anything. Gads, what a sad state of affairs!!

Anything else noteworthy to record?

I've learned a little more about using my camera and most of my pics nowadays inspire people to ask if I had them professionally done. That makes me feel pretty good.

Here's a layout I did recently. My mother made me feel crappy because I usually showcase one good photo on a layout. I like it that way. But one of my resolutions this year is to use more photos on my layouts. This was Christmas with my mother's family. There were three babies having their first Christmas. Lynn was the star of that show!