What now?

Post Christian America?

2009-05-21T06:17:00.000-07:00

With the social benefits of professing to be a Christian no longer in place and the social stigma of not professing to be a Christian now lifted, those who were part of Christendom America are simply no longer pretending to be part of Christian America.

That's a quote from mega-pastor Mark Driscoll in a rebuttal to an article Newsweek did on religion in America. You can see the whole article here: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,519517,00.html

I really liked this quote. It's long been an issue for me for people who in no way could ever be convicted of being a Christian (if put on trial for such) claiming to be one. Driscoll hits it on the head here. There were social benefits to claiming to be a Christian and stigmas to not being one. Neither of those exist anymore.

What really gets my knickers in a twist, though, is Christians crying because the national tone has changed. As if legislation would make them righteous. As if everyone going to church on Christmas eve and wishing everyone "Merry Christmas" makes them righteous. As if abortion being illegal or gay marriage being illegal would make them righteous.

The Bible says that the way to Life is narrow and few there are who find it. Maybe that's something to consider.

Who's an artist?

2009-05-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

We all have our own definitions of what "creativity" means.

Years ago, when my dearest friend introduced me to scrapbooking, I said I wasn't creative. She teases me about that on occasion still.

But I could always qualify that by saying that I have "different kind" of creativity. I still don't think I can do home interior designs (maybe when I don't have any men in my house to mess it up!!), but I feel pretty confident in my own little niche.

I've always defined being artistic as being able to draw. That's been a Rubicon I'd never even try to cross.

But...

Mike's birthday is tomorrow. I wanted to make him a fun card that wasn't too girly. Cupcakes are pretty popular right now but my cupcake stamp (which I'd stamp, color then cut out and add to a card) is little. And I want to make him a big card. So what to do?

I drew a cupcake.

Yes. You read that right. I drew a cupcake in pieces, used it as a template and made my own. Complete with cherry on top.

I am so excited! I can't wait to try new things. I've got a little turtle for a new baby card that's next...

The remarkable Susan Boyle

2009-04-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dennis-palumbo/what-if-susan-boyle-could_b_187804.html

The first link is to the You Tube video of Susan Boyle's audition for "Britian's Got Talent." It appears to be a show in the UK sort of like our American Idol.

The second link is to an interesting editorial about the reaction to the hauntingly beautiful voice housed in the ordinary body.

I agree. We should not judge books by their cover. Why would we assume that if a person is not beautiful, they shouldn't have any other talent either? Why should we even enter a discussion about it? Does no beauty = no talent? Does being beautiful mean you are gifted in everything you try?

The editorialist sugests we think about what we might think about Susan if she couldn't sing. What if she'd been like William Hung? You might remember him from American Idol a few years back. He simply couldn't sing. But we loved him. Still can't figure that out. And I use "we" meaning "the rest of my crazy society."

What's so remarkable about Susan? That she can sing? Or that she's so ordinary looking AND sings like an angel on loan from heaven?

Personally, I think this culture is obsesses with the visual. With the birth of MTV back in 1980, video media really did kill all others. Nowadays, mass market success is reserved to those who are both talented and visually appealing. Some success can be had with one or the other. Mostly it's passable talent and beauty rather than amazing talent without the beauty.

I wonder how many other amazingly talented people are sitting behind closed doors and unturned rocks. How many watch folks like Susan and sigh, wishing they could have a chance to be really seen.

Working on my fantasy card

2009-04-17T04:10:00.000-07:00

I wanted to try my hand at a Cardvaark's challenge so I'm working on a fantasy themed card. It's the princess one. Only problem was that I couldn't think of a good "fantasy" sentiment. So I piddled around with a few other sketches and ideas. I am going to have to do more with the transparency sheets!

You always make me smile
Happy Mother's Day

Happy Birthday Princess

Happy birthday

baby cards

2009-04-13T07:23:00.000-07:00

So I've got a stash of cards in my scrap room for all the various and sundry cards needs I have in life. Maybe if I keep this up, it'll be worth having a booth at the craft fair. But for now, I enjoy making them and giving them away.

A couple at church are having a baby and we're doing the shower thing. I was thinking it was a boy, but then had a moment's doubt. I realized that I have cards for baby girls and for baby boys, but none for "we don't know yet." So I made these.

Two new creations

2009-04-11T17:58:00.000-07:00

For the Craft Mad April sketch challenges, both cards and layouts, I created these. It was fun to have a little challenge to get my mojo flowing!

Lynn and gramma scrapping:

Nina and Lynn:

Friendship card:

Easter card:

Black Thursday

2009-04-09T05:53:00.000-07:00

Not a good day in the Martin household. Mike got laid off this morning. We've been through this before. 7 years ago. But it sucked then and it sucks now. We've been without insurance before, but at least Nick is covered now. And he's got unemployment that's not too bad. But I'm worried about my parents. My dad might get hit with this one. And it would not be good for them to be without insurance. At least my mom is done with her chemo.

Mother's Day cards

2009-03-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

New baby cards

2009-03-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

Thinking of You/ Friendship/generic cards

2009-03-23T11:19:00.001-07:00

Birthday cards

2009-03-23T11:06:00.000-07:00

I've been making cards lately like a crazy person! I'm stockpiling so that I won't have to dash to the scraproom to make a card an hour before leaving for the party!

My latest obsession

2009-02-20T06:40:00.001-08:00

World of Warcraft.

Last Christmas, my oldest son suggested that since I liked another PC role playing game, I would really enjoy this one. He tantalized me with a 10-day free trial and the promise of playing with him at some future date.

It took less than those 10 days for me to become unbelievably hooked.

What a great stress relief it is for me! I have to spend so much of my day saying the right thing when the needed thing gets bit back. But I can go home and kill - as my granddaughter puts it - "bad dudes." And kill them I do!

But what's even cooler is that on occasion, I can do a quest with my son. We can chat while we're both playing, even when we're not playing together. That's pretty cool.

But so is my - as of today - level 41 human warlock!

and now for something fun...

2009-02-10T07:18:00.000-08:00

Fill this out about your Senior Year in High School
The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be!!

1. Did you date someone from your school? yep - and eventually married him

2. Did you marry someone from your high school? yes

3. Did you car pool to school? nope - I usually walked

4. What kind of car did you have? None.

5. What kind of car do you have now? a Pontiac Bonneville that is in dire need of retirement

6. It's Friday night....What would you do now? fast food dinner, grocery shopping and home to watch TV

7. It is Friday night...where were you then? probably watching TV

8. What kind of job did you have in high school? none

9. What kind of job do you do now? children's mental health

10. Were you a party animal? um....no

11. Were you considered a flirt? depends on who you asked. My shy sister would say yes. I'd say no.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Choir two years in high school

13. Were you a nerd? no, just awkward

14. Did you get suspended or expelled? heaven's no!

15. Can you sing the fight song? Did we have a fight song? nope

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher? didn't have one

17. Where did you sit during lunch? somewhere in the cafeteria with a couple of friends

18. What was your school's full name? Wellington High School

19. When did you graduate? 1987

20. If you could go back and do it again, would you? I would not go through that again for all the money in the world!

21. Did you have fun at Prom? no

22. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom? frequently

23. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? dunno. I skipped the 5, 10 and 15 but went to the 20. I had more fun than I expected I would and might just go to the 25, assuming we have one.

24. Do you still talk to people from school? I work with a couple and still see a few others on occasion

25. What are/were your school's colors? crimson and white

Who asks you the hard questions?

2009-02-10T07:10:00.000-08:00

So, our pastor talked this last week about discipleship a little bit. He talked about thinking about who discipled you and who you're discipling. It made me think a little bit.

No one. I have never discipled anyone because I wouldn't know how to do it. No one ever discipled me. No one walked with me to show me the way. No one came alongside me and helped me find my path. Not even my parents. I love them, don't get me wrong. But the memories I have are of stumbling around in the dark trying to find my own way. Often getting it wrong.

The logical person, I suppose, to ask me those hard questions would be my husband. But he doesn't. His main goal in life is to be friends with everyone and never hurt anyone's feelings. My dear friend Drea is probably the person most likely to ask me a question I don't want to answer - but need to.

Maybe this is something I should be more intentional in seeking out?

Beware!! Whine to follow!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-20T06:31:00.001-08:00

Okay...you've been warned. I feel like such a crybaby.

On Saturday morning, I had an awful gallbladder attack. I've never had such pain. It is my new standard for pain levels. And I have a high tolerance for pain. Guess not. So surgery is scheduled for Monday.

Then, on Sunday, I was cutting onions for burgers and cut my right index finger.

And on Monday, I slammed my left middle finger in the front door.

*wailing and gnashing of teeth*

I am now on a health drive. I'm going to get and feel healthy if it kills me.

Okay...maybe that shouldn't be my ending point. I don't know how I'm going to go about it, but I'm going to get healthy.

Okay. I feel better now. Thanks for listening.

Oh...and because I have only marginal use of my dominant hand, I haven't been able to scrap for the Winter Wonderland Crop over at Scrapadilly. I haven't even been able to upload my creations from Friday nite at Drea's. *sigh* Maybe the next one!

He said it first

2009-01-06T06:37:00.000-08:00

I have, through painful experience, learned not to take things for granted. Today, when I was dropping him off for school, Nick said "I love you" first. Maybe you've never been in the "mom" places I have - and I would say you're lucky - but where I'm at, that was a special moment I'll hold on to for a while.

I've made some decisions for my life. One of my goals for this year is to be more creative. To not wait until I "have time" or "feel like it" but to work to keep those creative juices flowing regularly.

I've also made it a goal to get healthier. That's not going to be easy, but starting with eating healthier and working in some exercise I'm going to try to be a size healthier by the end of this year.

I've also decided to work on my family. I do a lot of things that get in the way of being a wife and mom. I've told my pastor that I need to quit teaching my class. I'll be praying that God will send a replacement music leader so I can step down from that as well. It will be hard not doing those things - I do love them! - but I need to focus on some somewhat more important things. I want to see Nick healthy. And leaving him to his own devices while I'm off doing all those other things is not the way to get there!

I'm a work in progress. I just want to be a little more deliberate and intentional about the "progress!"

Scrapping like crazy

2009-01-05T10:55:00.001-08:00

Well, I have a tidy little bank of $20 or so in my Scrap to Spend account. I have so enjoyed getting back into the art and craft of papercrafting. I really missed it. I don't have any lofty goals. I don't necessarily want to be published. I am not looking to join any design teams. I just want to enjoy a fun and rewarding hobby. And give nice handmade cards to friends and family. That's about it. Not that it wouldn't be nice to be published or to be on a DT somewhere. But those are rewards for pursuing the craft. Not the goal itself.

I got a chance (after fighting off a very persistant bug) to go scrap at Drea's. I love scrapping with her. It's sort of like exercizing with a partner rather than alone. We don't spend terribly much time chatting, which I'm never good at anyways, and she always gives great advice when I'm stumped on what to do next. As a result, I got a ton of stuff done! See the gallery at www.scrapadilly.com if you're interested!

My goal is still just to scrap consistently. I want to do four layouts a month. Or a pair of cards for one layout. Just that many. Not twenty or thirty layouts and lots of projects. Just four. That's do-able!

Scrap to Spend in 2009

2009-01-01T10:20:00.001-08:00

I'm going to keep track of my different things for the Scrap to Spend challenge at http://www.scrapadilly.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2589 for Scrapadilly this year.

Here are the ways to earn Scrappy Bucks:
For everyone layout you make you get $1 in the Scrappy Account.
Cards are worth $.50
Altered items are worth $5
Entire albums of at least 20 layouts are worth $10
2 pages in small albums count for $1 in your account.
For every 100 posts, add $1 to your scrappy account.
For every thread you start, add $.05 to your scrappy account.
If you are chosen for the Creation of the Day: add $1 to your scrappy account.
If you do a product review you must upload pictures of you using that product to the gallery. For this you will receive $1.
For every referral to our site.........that means if a new member joins and puts your username as the referral, you will receive $1.
For special crops, I may from time to time offer bonus items for you to add to your scrappy account.

And here are my running totals:
layouts $1:
cards $.50:
altered items $5:
whole 12x12 albums (20 layouts): $10
small albums $1/2 pages:
every 100 posts $1 (starting post total 707):
COTD $1:
Product review w/pictures $1:
referrals $1:
other bonuses:

Fifteen years ago today...

2008-12-21T07:09:00.000-08:00

...I gave birth to this.

Well, he didn't look like this then. He was a tiny little baby that had been desparately wanted and tried for (for a very long time!). He was doted on by his sisters and brother. He has been the beneficiary of all my maternal guilt for many years. We always had a very close bond, Nick and I. I find it sad that as he's grown up, he has felt the need to break away from that bond. Maybe someday - it is my prayer - that we get that bond back.

Never too late to be thankful!

2008-12-03T08:26:00.000-08:00

Reading Drea's "What I'm thankful for" post reminded me that I did no blogging last week either!

There really are lots of things to be thankful for. They're usually the things that I take for granted, though.

Such as:

...when I gripe about my work. I'm thankful that I have a job and that it's pretty secure. There are so many folks in this area whose jobs are not secure. Or they don't have a job. Or their job doesn't pay enough.

...when I am not happy about washing dishes. I'm thankful that we have enough food to eat.

...when I don't want to clean my house. I'm thankful that I have a home.

I'm so grateful that God has placed good friends in my life. I'm grateful that He's given me fun hobbies to enjoy and friends to enjoy them with. I am thankful for a relatively healthy family. I'm thankful for people to love and people who love me.

A high compliment

2008-11-25T09:59:00.000-08:00

My daughter came over last night and asked me "How do you love a child that's not yours?"

Maybe I should clarify that. My step-daughter, who I raised from the age of 4, came over last night and asked "How do you love a child that's not yours."

To be honest, I'd taken my melatonin already and I was on the fast track to la-la land. When I woke up, that was the thought on my mind and it's stayed with me for a while now.

I gave her advice that I think is sound. I told her to do the things she knows to do to parent a child. Eventually, the feelings would come.

What I didn't share was this: I loved her because she was part of Mike. And Mike was part of me. The other half of my soul. How could I not have feelings for those two little girls that came with him?It wasn't easy. I didn't have the experience of carrying them in my own body and birthing them. I didn't have the history of their infancies.

It was hard. At first. But one day, I realized that God was not going to cut me any slack because "step" was part of my title. In God's eyes, I was "mother." I had a responsibility before God to these two girls. I couldn't tell you the day I stopped thinking of them as my step-daughters and started just seeing my daughters. But I suppose it was around the time I started staying up all night with them when they were sick. When I baked their birthday cakes. When I noticed my personality characteristics coming out in their lives.

I don't think Alex realizes what it meant to me for her to ask that question last night. I don't think she realizes that was the highest compliment she's ever paid me.

My younguns

2008-10-30T17:53:00.001-07:00

Recently, I had the pleasure of having all of my kids at the house at once. Doesn't happen often! I took full advantage of it and made them all stand around and get their picture taken. I haven't processed these images, but I wanted to show them off.

My four:

add in the husband/fiance:

add in the grandkids:

This was a little surprising

2008-10-30T15:20:00.001-07:00

Well, as you may know from reading this blog, I tend to believe that men and women are created fully equal and that there is no job or calling or ministry that should be decided based on gender alone. I suspect that hearing "You were supposed to be a boy" all my life from my mom has something to do with why I'm a little sensitive on the gender issue, but I digress.

I ran across a website, a church's website that shows videos of past sermons. But it's from a church whose pastor, Mark Driscoll, that believes differently than I do on the gender issue. I've always held him in some contempt. But when I listened to one sermon on birth control, I liked it. Then I listened to more in that particular series. I really liked them. I've started on another series and I can safely say that I have enjoyed every sermon I've heard from him. And I've enjoyed his messages as I've rarely enjoyed sermons before.

This is going to be one of my resources when I feel I need a little extra. I'm happy to provide you all with a link to the first series of sermons I heard "Religion Saved and Nine Other Misconceptions." It's a wonderful series that might really help you like it helped me.

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/religionsaves

When it rains...

2008-10-24T06:28:00.000-07:00

...it pours.

Mike had a particularly hard day at work this week. He came home exhausted and worn out. And with a nice souvenier: an umbillical hernia. Surgery with two to four weeks of recovery time is NOT what we need right before Christmas. At least it's a work-related injury so I don't have to fret over the medical bills. I have to worry about the "workman's comp doctor" sending him back to work to soon, but I'll just trust God there.

So, I've been following this gender debate on the blogosphere. There seems to be this rising force in American christianity that would have us go back to the first century for women's rights. In the extreme right we have folks who believe that men are the head not only of the home and church but all of life. Women shouldn't vote. Daughters should be the "helpmeet" of their fathers until they get married. Women should not use birth control at all and have as many babies as possible. Children should be homeschooled and daughters should never be exposed to such terrible influences such as found on college campuses.

I kid you not.

Look up Vision Forum, Doug Phillips' blog and other very google-able keywords that are in the above narrative.

On the other extreme you will find folks who believe in complete equality. No leadership happens based soley on gender. All men do not have authority over all women. Women can and should be ordained as elders/pastors. They also don't believe that husbands are in authority over wives.

Somewhere in the middle is the truth. That's what I believe. I think that honest, God-fearing, God-loving believers who self-identify with both sides (complimentarian and egalitarian) can have happy marriages. And, frankly, those believers on boths sides of the fence who are living their marriages out are indistinguishable from the other. You just can't always tell unless one of them tells you.

I say all that to say this: there are a few on the egalitarian side (my side, for what it's worth) that I follow. I enjoy reading the Complegalitarian blog. I read the Christians for Biblical Equality blog. I read Wade Burelson's blog. (I read the "other side" too, btw, just to see what's being said). But there are some on that "other side" that I tend to stay away from and demonize. Marc Driscoll is one of those.

He's the pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, WA. He's known for wearing jeans and t-shirts and hoodies instead of three-piece suits when he preaches. He's known for his killer wit and mocking of just about every sort of group. He's unapologetic on his beliefs and has no trouble going toe-to-toe with anyone. He's been labeled as a mysoginist by Christian Feminists.

During a discussion on abortion, the topic of birth control came up. Someone on a blog linked this sermon:
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/religionsaves/birth-control

I listened to it.

I changed my mind.

In another sermon in that series, he talks about doctrines that should divide us (such as the trinity or salvation through Jesus Christ alone). But other doctrines are not as important and we can agree to disagree. I've decided that it's a good thing to call Marc Driscoll my brother in Christ.

If you get a chance, and have no beverages in front of you (spew danger), check out this sermon:
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/religionsaves/humor

My sides still hurt from this one!

Cute as buttons

2008-10-06T17:38:00.000-07:00

I'm still trying to get a new pic of Lynn but here's the latest of my grandkids:

Other recent cards

2008-10-06T08:46:00.000-07:00

Transparency used for the card then stamped. I think I'll try this again with rubons - less drying time!
True friends...I enjoyed using the close-to-the-same colors for this card

40! My brother-in-law turned 40 this past week and I had fun teasing him. The inner black cs is inked and embossed around the edges
I used Versamark on the bottom brown paper with a flourish stamp Instead of digging out the sewing machine, I used a stamp of stitches...much easier. I also embossed the stamped stitches.
I saw this design using pretty colors for an Easter card. I liked the design but for this time of the year I thought I'd try the coffee cup from my Beyond Birthdays Cricut cartridge.

This is a tri-fold card. I think next time I'll use satin ribbon. The rik rak doesn't tie as prettily.

cards made with new Cricut cartridge

2008-10-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

Wedding card - the frame is from a different object on the cartridge and so I had to experiment to find one that would fit around the wedding cake. Also, it would be SOOOOO easy to customize the colors to the particular wedding. I just used black/red/yellow/white as generic colors.

baby boy card also made with border punch
baby girl card - I used a small strip of blue cardstock behind the eye holes to give the impression of blue eyes
halloween card - the "boo" is part of the card frame from another pumpkin design on this cartridge
this card frame is HARD to glue - I really need to get a bigger Xyron sticker maker!

birthday card - the flames on the candles are embossed with UTEE

Fun with Cricut!

2008-10-06T06:41:00.000-07:00

I really shouldn't have, but I got a new cartridge for my Cricut this weekend. I bought the Cricut about a year or so ago with the intention of using it to make fabulous titles for my scrapbook layouts. I seldom use it for that. Then I got the Beyond Birthdays cartridge and started using it for cards.

I spent Friday afternoon/evening (while I was home with a killer headache) making cards. This cartridge is so much fun! The most notable aspect are the seasonal themed pictures. Also are the card making applications. You can cut a foundation, a card shape and a card frame in nothing flat and just glue them altogether for a cute card. I'll be uploading the pictures of the cards I made today.

I'm jazzed now to make some cards for my grandkids' birthdays coming up (starting in January through to May, I've got them turning 3, 2 and 1). Then plenty of nieces and a nephew for other fun cards.

A new perspective

2008-09-17T15:47:00.001-07:00

Well, it didnt' hurt.

It didn't feel all that good, mind you, but it didn't hurt.

I'm referring to turning 40.

Over the last ten years, I think I've grown more than the thirty before that. I've cleared out some dust on some old dreams and - maybe - breathed some new life into them. I've cleared off some of the dust gathering on a hobby that I love and have thrown myself back into it. I've come to accept some of the things that aren't changing and am looking at what I CAN change right now. I'll deal with that other stuff later.

I've set myself a line in the sand for work that I'm happy with. I'm going to start putting my family in a place of priority.

I'm going to start putting my house in order. If it takes the next three months, so be it! First order of business is to get some large garbage bags and start hauling!

This year has been good for Nick. Not that he's perfect. He's still a 14 year old who wants to act like and be treated like he's 17 or 18. But school is going better. He's eating better and sleeping a little better. He's even done dishes for me a couple of times in the last few weeks. Definitely a work in progress!

I'm going to start focusing on my scrapping in this blog. I want to start doing more of that and having a goal might be a good place to start. But it's got to be a do-able goal!

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........now that the sun is shining, life is looking a little better!

A moment of clarity

2008-09-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

Here, on the eve of my 40th birthday, I've finally put my finger on what's been bothering me. I'm not where I wanted to be by this time in my life.

We all have dreams when we're young. I had many. Most involved performing in some way, shape or form. Singing or acting or some-such. I think there's still a flavor of that in my life, but not in my job.

I'm not in the career I wanted. I'm not in TV journalism. I'm not in print journalism anymore. I'm not a clinical psychologist. I'm not even a LMSW. I think I have the skills to be a therapist. I just need to get the degree and get the license. But to do that would require time away from my family that the last excursion to college showed me I can't afford. So I'm in a low-pay, dead end job. Just a job. Not a career. Little respect. Difficult work. Not something I want to still be doing in 10 years.

My kids, while the joy of my life, have had struggles that have made me question my ability to parent. Oldest son is great. But he has to go into great debt to get through college. I hesitate to even think of how much $$ he will have to pay. He HAS to get a good job when he graduates so he can pay back his loans. And that would be because I couldn't afford to foot the bill.

Oldest daughter is in a diploma completion program. But she's 20 years old and has two children. Not the order I had in mind. I'm thankful she's married and is on her way to a happy life, but she's overcome incredible hurdles and has many more in her path.

Younger daughter is also a parent. In fact, she became one at 16. Again...not exactly what I wanted for her. I have to wonder what part I played in that scenario. If I'd been home more... If'd I had been more strict... More lenient... She's got a long way to go before she gets to that place her sister is at. She has a lot of hurdles behind her and in front of her. And she doesn't want to take advice of those who've been there before her. Especially her mom.

Youngest son is a drama-magnet like no other. He's also been depressed and deals with learning difficulties. I can't remember the last time he was really happy. He's not on a good path. He won't go to church with us. He seldom likes to spend time with us.

And my marriage is definitely not what I dreamed about, either as a little girl or as a grown woman. Hubby is financially irresponsible. But instead of learning and doing better, he seems to be going the opposite direction. And physically, I don't know what's the matter with him, but he does not seem interested in me anymore. Instead of seeing this time of my life as my prime, it seems that my best years are long past and there's nothing good to look forward to. I have enormous fears about Hubby's health and he seems determined to undermine it. I've asked him to up his life insurance policy because I can feel in my bones that he is going to die suddenly and sooner rather than later. We have wonderful friendship. Great companionship. But there are other areas that I feel are important in a marriage that are simply not there anymore.

At church, while I have a semi-leadership role(s) in that I teach most of the adults and lead the worship service, I'm just a puppet. I hate it that I feel this way, but I feel patronized more than supported and appreciated. I am hoping to quit both roles this year. Even though I know it will be difficult to give up things I love (teaching) or used to love (singing), I feel it's the only way to save my sanity.

I have several good friends, but whether it's a lack of my own character or that I just didn't get the "have friends" gene, it's not what I want. I have one friend my own age. One person in my same place in life. The rest of my friends are much younger or quite a bit older. And I can't seem to spend enough time with any of them. I'm usually so exhausted from trying to keep house after a family that only thinks of messing it up, working at a difficult job and trying to keep up with demands of church and family...it's wonderful when I get the chance to spend time with friends but they're usually with their other friends.

Then there's my faith. I desire more than anything to be close to God. But I have experienced a level of doubt in the last five years that I've never experienced in my entire life as a believer. I have seen more of the crap that usually turns people away from religion altogether recently! I'm still hanging in there, but it's increasingly difficult. Again with the patronizing. I have some fundamental differences of belief from the denomination I attend (but am not a member of). It would seem that my pastor believes this is just because I don't understand. Not that I might possibly disagree.

Add in the guilt that I can't be there enough for my nieces and nephew or my sisters and brothers-in-law or parents and it seems that this is a recipe for complete discontent with life stew.

On one hand, it feels good to recognize all this. Diagnosis is half the problem. Now maybe I can address each issue and find some resolution.

The strange world we live in

2008-09-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

Well, my dad keeps telling me that the best cure for some of these frustrations in my life is to avoid them. True enough. I need to stay away from some things to keep me sane. But there are some that, like the Sirens, are too compelling to resist.

Many years ago, I was drawn into the gender debate. It has always interested me in every format I've encountered it. Some history: I was supposed to be a boy. Not to sound confused about my gender as it is. Not at all! But I grew up hearing from my parents that they wanted a boy and expected me to be a boy (I kicked hard, apparently) but got me instead. For the record, I wouldn't want to be male. I like being a woman and most all that it entails.

But I'm not the kind of woman who fits stereotypes. In fact, if you were to take an inventory of my personality traits, you'd think I was a man if you didn't know otherwise. Here lately, I've been watching and occasionally adding my voice to the debate over women in ministry and the role of women in the home, church and community at large.

On one side are the complimentarians. They are usually represented by the Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. They are usually characterized as evangelical, fundamentalist, traditional and so on. They are usually the ones who are concerned about order and tradition and hierarchy and who's in charge.

On the other side are the egalitarians. They are usually represented by the Council for Biblical Equality. They are usually characterized as seeking mutuality and equality and free opportunity for women to be pastors and elders.

But I've been noticing that some on both sides are really mean. Some of the comps seem to be convinced that admitting that a woman might be able to teach a man or lead in anything other than a nursery is the swift path to downright anarchy and, let's just say it: hell. I've heard some say that allowing a woman to preach on a Sunday morning (not be a pastor, mind you, just preach) is a "grave moral concern."

On the egal size, it seems that they see abuse around every corner. If you're not for the free expression of gifts by all, you're an abuser yourself. Harsh words are often flung by both sides. Usually, if you don't agree with one side or the other, your ability to study scripture, your dedication to biblical authority and even your salvation are called into question.

My usual response has been to close the browser windows and get back to my real world where my gender doesn't matter. But is that exactly right?

I'm coming to see that it does matter. Areas that I thought were free of this gender prejudice are not. It's caused me to stop and re-evaluate where I'm at and what I'm doing and really seek to see if I'm doing what I need to be doing right now.

Or, maybe it's just that I'm staring down a milestone birthday and I'm evaluating where I am, where I've been and where I'm going.

Couldn't it be both?

Moving forward

2008-08-04T06:45:00.001-07:00

I've gotten through the month of July. I miss my niece and nephew but we're moving forward. I'll always miss them. There will always be a hole in my heart. But I've learned some very valuable lessons and I'm doing my best to honor their memories.

I've also been addressing some spiritual issues that have troubled me. I talked with my husband about them and have gotten the wide and wonderful shoulder that only he can provide for me to lay my troubles on and feel safe. It's amazing how that works.

I have lots of photography projects coming up. A friend at church and I will be doing pictures of families for a photo directory. I'm looking forward to it. Maybe we can use my backdrop. I'm also doing some photography for work. Just some basic pictures of the building and the department heads and the various teams. It might be fun!

More and more I'm dying to take pictures and improve my craft, but less and less do I find time for it! When life gets really stressful, I tend to find an escape and bury myself in it. Right now, I'm playing a pc game called Oblivion. It's a role playing fantasy game that David introduced me to and I've gotten my 50 hours of playing time out of it several times over. Whenever I do all the quests for one character, I create another. But it's an escape. Playing it means I'm not interacting with others. I'm not doing the other things I should do, but don't want to! I'm going to try this week to cut down on the escape time and increase the "other stuff" time!

rambling thoughts

2008-07-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

Work sucks. Can I say that loud enough?

Now, really, the job itself is pretty good. It's stressful right now for various reasons but none of those reasons is the actual job. Just the crap that goes WITH it.

What I miss is being a stay at home mom. I made our home. I've been a "working mom" for seven years now and since that time, no one has made our house into a home. There's a perpetual mess that embarrasses me. I can't keep up with it. Even if all I did after coming home from work was clean house, it would be the same every day. I am occasionally jealous of those friends of mine who get to stay home and who have clean houses. Who are not embarrassed when someone comes over.

I really do pray for a day when I can quit working. Don't know when that might be. And maybe not just quite my job entirely, but do something else. Like work at the school. Be a para. Be a substitute teacher. I could probably sub for almost as much as I make right now.

The anniversary of Kat and TJ's deaths is approaching. I find myself very moody and out of sorts. And while Mike is very sympathetic and understanding, I don't think anyone else is. I'm going to stay home from work that day but I'll probably be spending time with my mom. Which I'm not really looking forward to. Not that I don't love my mom. But she tends to drive me crazy. She's miffed (not really angry) that Mike and Vena and their girls as well as DeDe and Eddie and their girls are all going out of the state for the anniversary. It's going to be a very hard time for them. But mom has said to me more than once that she was in the accident too and they're leaving her all alone. Like being in an accident together is the same as losing a child. There are days I just don't get my mom. Love her, yeah. Get her? Lord no!

So, somehow I'm going to deal with my own grief. I think I'll get up at the usual time and go to the cemetery(s) and do some early morning pictures. THEN I'll find mom and keep her company.

The other great news is that Derrick and Nina have decided that they can't afford to stay in a motel forever (it's costing them $600 a month, apparently). Derrick is staying with his grandparents and Nina and Lynn are staying with us. Derrick has to be at his grandparent's house before 10:30 pm because they lock the doors then whether he's there or not. We have a similar rule. It's for two weeks and we're trying to have some firmly set rules.

I'm not interested in making my daughter "pay" for anything, but I'm expecting her to help out. I guess it might be worth it to get Lynn into a real home. I'm surprised they agreed to have separate living arrangements for the two weeks. Any way you slice it, though, it's going to be tough.

So anyhow...life is chaotic and I can't seem to get a handle on it right now. Work is stressing me out and so is my health. I think I'm a hypochondriac! Since my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I worry about that. Every gurgle in my tummy has me convinced I'm going to die a wasting death before my time! Yes. I know. I should just go in to the doctor's and get checked out! Pretty simple solution. I guess I could try that.

Thanking God

2008-07-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

I like to surf the blogosphere. That means "read other blogs" for those of you who don't engage in this past-time! Anyways, I often find myself reading post after post and comment after comment on the gender debate going on in many christian circles. Reading those blogs often leads me to some interesting new blogs...but I digress.

I recently read about a preacher in a Southern Baptist church who said that one of the responses men have for women who try to usurp their authority is abuse. Many have said that he doesn't mean that women cause their own abuse, but it's kinda hard to read anything ELSE into that.

When I first read about that (and later, when I was reading through the 814 responses to one bloggers post about it), I just sat with my mouth open in that "is this for real?" way some of us have.

My physical response was also common: I could feel my blood pressure rise. I could feel my heart speed up. My teeth clenched. I leaned in until my breath was fogging up my monitor.

And then, God blessed me with a memory: I attend a church that is outside this dogfight. I attend a church that has been ordaining women since they begain 100 years ago. Maybe there aren't many women pastors, but they do exist. In my church, I am able to exercise my gifts and talents without regard to my gender. I'm able to teach adults (women AND men, often more of the latter). I lead worship. And occasionally, when things get mucked up as sometimes they do, I have had the responsibility of handling the service. All that matters is my ability to do so, not my plumbing.

So I was able to push back from the screen and excersize my ability to click on that little red "X" in the upper right corner of the screen and remove all that stress from my mind.

me

2008-06-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

I really don't like having my picture taken, but I needed one. Mike and I soldiered through it and there were a couple I ended up not hating.

This, however, was me at the end of the picture taking: "NO MORE!!"

The many faces of Lynn

2008-06-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

I know someday Lynn is going to be a model. She has her many "moods" down pat!

This is her "Pretty Girl" face:

Here is her "Pouty" face:

Here's her "Crazy!" face:

And her "Oh no!" face:
She cracks me up!! Here's a shot of Lynn and my niece Abby. They're just a couple of years apart in age and play together in the nursery at church. I'd love it if they could play together more and grow up as friends, but they don't get to see each other as much. Lynn's mom tends to focus her time on her own friends and her dad's family . If I want my family to see Lynn, I have to be the one to facilitate that.

new baby tootsies

2008-06-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

I love pictures of baby feet! I may have to make a little album of feet pictures....hey! There's an idea :) Here are Hunter's 8 day old feet:

And Hunter sleeping, which he does always when around Grandma:

More sleeping:

Hunter and Abby:

Hunter and Lynn:

Lynn says that Hunter is a "cute baby"

Scrapping fun

2008-06-06T06:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I got a chance to go to one of my lss yesterday. I spent more than I intended to...but I can't help myself!

To be honest, there is one person I would really like to scrap like - even though our styles are not overly similar -- my best friend Drea. I just love her style! But mine is different and she has one thing that I don't. Well, she has lots of stuff I don't, but one of the main ones is patience. She takes her time with each layout. You can see it in the resulting works of art. Mine tend to be whirlwind creations! But she's the one I have to thank for introducing me to my favorite hobby and sanity saver which lead to my other two hobbies and sanity savers!

Here are a couple of recent creations:

Newest addition

2008-06-02T07:25:00.000-07:00

My oldest daughter gave birth last week to her second child, another son. Hunter Gene weighed 6 lbs 14 ozs and was 20 inches long. His big brother Chris is okay with the interloper as long as he doesn't have to share mom or dad's attention too much! Big cousin Lynn thinks the new baby is "cute."

I'm really proud of my daughter. She screamed pretty much the entire pregnancy the first time, culminating in a scream-fest while she gave birth to Chris from the moment she walked into the hospital. This time - with the addition of a timely epidural - there was NO screaming and barely any noise at all. She was around and walking - very well, I might add! - within a few hours. She's become such a great mom!

I'm hoping to get more pics of Hunter before the week is out!

While I was sleeping...

2008-05-20T06:14:00.000-07:00

Apparently, life has been zooming along and instead of blogging about it, I have been sleeping through it.

I closed my eyes to sleep and my kids grew up and became parents. Well, two of them.

I closed my eyes and my youth zoomed by. Now only those folks who can rightly be called senior citizens can consider me young.

I closed my eyes and the world went right on without me. And for once, I'm not stressed about it!

I'm scrapping more and I love it! I have several projects that I'm working on in one stage or another.

These are just a few of the more recent layouts. I'm starting to enjoy scrapping more. I quit worrying about being published. I quit worrying about being on some design team or another and just started enjoying myself. I scraplift when I want to. I use old techniques when I want to. I try new stuff when I want to. And I enjoy the heck out of it!! Now, maybe someday, I'll want to try for a design team or be published. Who knows. For now, I'm just going to have fun and learn.

The photography thing is also a lot of fun. But I've discovered a problem: I don't seem to want to charge people to take their pictures. I think the problem is this: when I'm just a friend, taking your picture for fun, that's all it is. But add money to the mix and suddenly I'm all anxious that it won't be good enough. My equipment is not enough, my talent is not enough, my whatever is just not enough. grrrrrrrrrrr!!! I'm going to take some time off in the next month or so and just take some pictures. I have a nephew who is a HAM who might just model for me so I can practice. I might have to bribe him with pizza, but I am his favorite aunt so maybe not! And I think I can get one of my sister's in law to model for me so I can practice boudoir shots, but her I might have to bribe with liquor.

A funny thing...I love the feeling of taking a picture of someone and helping them to see their own beauty. There's just nothing like it. My best friend doesn't say "I don't look good in pictures" very often anymore. If you look at pictures of her taken in the last year, her smiles are genuine and you can see the confidence in her eyes. I like to think I helped her find that. But I can't get those pics of myself like that! I'm going to have to get creative for that. Mike is usually pretty good about helping snap the shutter, but I have to get it all set up and only one shot out of a hundred are what I'm looking for. And while I would love a boudoir shot of myself, getting one is no easy feat. But it might just be worth the effort!

Long time no blog!

2008-03-25T06:21:00.000-07:00

I'm that gal who starts a journal, writes feverishly for about 10 days then forgets it. Then a few months later, starts the process all over. I like the feel and the smell of a new journal, I guess!

Not a whole lot new going on here. Work, sleep, work, sleep, work, shop, sleep. That's about how it goes. *sigh* I pray for the day when I can cut back or not work at all. I about have Mike convinced that life was better for him when I was not working and instead stayed at home MAKING a home. I'll just keep praying.

Easter was VERY nice. We had a nice dinner with Mike's family after church (with mostly MY family). The grandkids got the hang of easter egg hunting. Well, mostly. Chris was very upset when anyone tried to help him put anything in his basket. He wanted to put it on his head. Lynn did a great job picking up ALL the eggs.

I am finally at peace with my church situation. Either I'm going to teach my own material that I've put together, or I'm not going to teach at all. I would also like to get away from doing the music at all. I don't want to lead singing anymore. I don't hardly want to sing at all. It makes me kinda sad that I don't want to do anymore something that I have so loved all my life.

But, as I said, I'm at peace with my decision. I don't feel like my church is going to implode if I'm not there teaching the adult class. I will miss it. But either I'm going to grow or I'm going to put my energies somewhere else. I've felt for quite a while that I can't do both jobs. It's ironic that my pastor is trying to pass the worship leading stuff (well, it's more song leading) on to me so he can just be in the choir. Because he doesn't feel like he can do both jobs (worship leading and preaching) on Sunday mornings. But I can do two jobs: teaching Sunday School and leading worship.

Tagged!

2008-03-10T06:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I just left Drea's blog, so here are 7 random things about me:

1. I would really like to go back to being a stay at home mom. I love working and earning "my own way" for the most part, but I miss having a "home." We don't really have one of those now.

2. As much as I love spending time with my grandkids, I like that they don't live with me (anymore!) so I can have me time!

3. I would like to be a high school biology teacher. If I ever go back to school, I don't think I'll get my master's and be a therapist, I'll go into teaching and be a science teacher!

4. I love being able to scrap again (back to #2 with no grandkids underfoot!). I spent too much $$ at the LSS this weekend and I'm dying to try some new stuff.

5. I am obsessed with the evangelical gender debate. I watch several blogs and read all the articles whenever I find them. Despite the fact that I attend a church where I am allowed to do whatever I'm gifted to do. It makes me sad that in some churches, the voices of women are not heard.

6. My son's coming for a visit next week!! And Mike is taking a vacation day which we may - or may not - spend with him and his girlfriend.

7. and finally....I got to spend some time this weekend with a very good friend of mine who has lost a BUNCH of weight. She looks so great. The next time she comes, we've decided to play "photographer." We're going to set up the lights and tripods and practice taking pictures and making each other look great. That's my last random thought. One thing that gives me more satisfaction than anything else is making someone feel beautiful. So many of us just can't see it that we need a little help. I like being that "help."

And I guess I won't tag anyone because I'm pretty sure Drea is the only person who reads this blog!

I feel like I should feel guilty

2008-02-12T13:09:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, Nick spent the night with a friend, overslept and missed the bus for his wrestling tournament. He was upset and I was upset for him. HOWEVER...

since we were up early and had nothing else planned for the day, Mike suggested we go to Wichita, go to the camera store and check out flash units.

I thought about friends I hadn't hung out with in a while.

I thought about seeing my sister whom I haven't seen since she moved back to my area.

I thought about the housework that needed doing.

Despite all that, I gave Mike a resounding "Yes!!"

We had a great day. We shopped. We ate. We held hands. We laughed together. Things we hadn't done in a very long time. It was so nice! We don't get to spend much time together these days. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

new blog

2008-01-13T10:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally decided to do a new blog dedicated to my photography instead of just waiting until David (oldest, genius, son) can design a website for me.

It's at http://tlmimages.blogspot.com

It's a work in progress, but it gives folks a chance to see some of my work. Now I just need to do more "work" and post more images!! :)

2008-01-09T15:09:00.000-08:00

Lynn likes to play in the bathtub...this time, grandma got some nice shots of her beautiful eyes!

Some new portraits

2008-01-02T14:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I'm satisfied with the way my work turns out. In this case, I'm happy with how her hair and make up came out. I think I'd rather do them myself for someone rather than just show up and work with what they've done. Especially my own teenage daughters!!

Here are a couple new shots of Nina. Hard to believe she's almost 18.

New backdrop

2008-01-01T09:04:00.000-08:00

It doesn't take much to make a good photo backdrop. I have some sheets, some lengths of regular fabric, some velvet. This last week, I went to a fabric store and got a few yards of upholstery fabric. It was on sale even! It's not exactly what I want, but it works pretty well. Here are few new shots from yesterday (Nick, Lynn, Jo and Abby, Jo, and Abby).

Snow!

2007-12-30T13:46:00.000-08:00

We don't get a lot of snow here in flyover country. We do get some. Just not much. And it rarely stays around very long. So...if it snows on a Monday, it's likely to be gone by the weekend when I'll have time to take pictures of it. If it snows on the weekend, it'll likely be a blizzard until dark or too icy for me to get out and take pictures.

Did I say that there is a VERY small window where me, my camera and the snow can meet?

I managed to snap a few shots in the park the other day. Yes. I did risk life and limb climbing a great sledding hill in tennies just to get a couple of these shots!

Did I do that??

2007-12-20T06:33:00.000-08:00

This is so funny. Okay. Maybe it's just funny to me. I like to take pictures. You may have already guessed that by now if you've read any of the last dozen posts on this blog. But it was only to support my other love: scrapbooking. But a real love of photography was sparked. I shared some of my favorites with my co-workers - because they're stuck there in the office with me! - and one day, one of my friends asks me to be the photographer at her wedding next spring.

Once I agreed to do that, within a few weeks, I was a real, honest to God professional photographer. And I love it. I have much more stress about it (that happens when you introduce $$ into the equation) but I still love it.

So I took engagement pictures for my friend and her fiance. It didn't take very long and we had a great deal of fun. I was using my mom's point-and-shoot digital and my film camera. I'd run out of film and discovered that hubby (who was my assistant) had left my camera bag at our last location. He ran back (well, drove, really) to get it. While he was gone, we snapped a few pics with the digital. There's a bridge over a small creek next to the football field in our small town that the football players run across from the locker room to the field. It's also where the graduates gather before commencement. It's one of those small town things. They were standing on the bridge and I noticed that the light was hitting the water just right relative to my position on the bank and I snapped a shot of both them and their reflection. It seemed too small, so I just focused on their reflection. It was remarkably detailed. And they both loved it. I love it. They've talked about using it on their invitations.

So, after we were done, I mentioned to my friend that a glamour portrait of herself might be a fun gift to give her fiance for Christmas. Yes. I had ulterior motives. I want to do glamour photography. She agreed and one eveing I went to her house with all my stuff and we spent a couple of hours making her beautiful and photographing her.

The results were so many great pictures that she couldn't settle on one so we picked twelve and had a calendar made.

This is one of my favorites. In fact, I used a detail from one of the images for my business cards! She looked at the photos and said, "Is that me?"

So a few weeks later, we were at our company Christmas party. My friend went to the restroom and while she was gone, her finace asked me what it would cost to get that reflection image blown up to frame for my friend for Christmas? I just thought it was so funny that they were doing the same thing for Christmas for each other.

So, I ordered a 16x20 of the reflection shot on double weight mattboard. It came yesterday just in time to get to the frame shop before the owner of the frame shop went on vacation for Christmas.

That has been the bright spot for me this Christmas.

A pretty girl

2007-12-17T12:42:00.000-08:00

This is my oldest niece. I'll be taking her senior pictures next Spring. I am so excited!

This one was my Christmas card photo this year. I just couldn't make myself make any cards. I even BOUGHT a card. *shudder* How the mighty have fallen. I just have no juice!

Looking at something I've created makes me feel good.

It's been a difficult season

2007-12-17T12:29:00.001-08:00

So I'll just come out and say it. This has been a hard season. Everywhere I turn, I'm faced with reminders of loss. It used to be that when I looked at pictures of my niece and nephew, I'd feel a sense of shock. Like being hit on the head with something heavy. Now, it's overwhelming sadness. I guess I've gotten it through my head that they're really dead. Some days are easier than others, but when it's not, it's really bad. Today has been really bad.

I'm not getting much accomplished at work today. I need to, but it feels like my arms are weighted down. My eyes won't clear. As I posted earlier, I seem to be offending people left and right. I guess I just miss my life.

I miss having dinner in the evenings with my husband and kids.

I miss cleaning house (well, having the time to do it really).

I miss my kids talking to me and sharing their days.

I miss snuggle time with Nick.

I miss seeing David.

I miss being respected by my daughters.

I miss kisses.

I miss having the courage to pursue my dreams.

I miss having time to spend with friends.

I miss family.

I miss friends.

I miss being able to talk on the phone.

We did our Christmas Cantata at church yesterday. It was the hardest one I've ever done and it's left me with a desire to never sing again. Maybe I just need a nap and some lunch.

On the outs

2007-12-05T14:48:00.001-08:00

I like to go to message boards. There are several I'm a member of. But it seems lately that I can't say anything right.

I tend to shoot straight in "saying what I mean." But I also don't try to be mean. I try to say what I mean in the nicest way possible. Sometimes, that's not so nice. But I'm never out to hurt anyone's feelings. But - and you may find this shocking - some people wear their hearts on their sleeves then get mad at you when you bump into them.

Ugh. I know some people use the internet as some sort of shield so they can just be mean and say hateful things to others. I never do that. I hate being on the receiving end of that, so I don't dish it out. I try most times to be as nice as possible. But sometimes...sometimes people need to hear the unvarnished truth. I can think of one person in particular who drives me up a wall with things they ask and talk about. I want to pull a Cher on him (Moonstruck reference) but I can't. These days, I just ignore him. Not because I have any animosity for him, but just because he drives me crazy.

I understand the drawbacks of communicating with this particular media. I know

My niche

2007-12-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

As you may have guessed, I love taking pictures. I love capturing an image that others gasp over or cry over or just get excited over. But I really love making women look and feel beautiful. I'm not exactly sure why. I don't know what drew me to this place but I can certainly see that evolution in myself, from my personal interests to habits and whatnot. Any way you slice it, that's what makes me happy. I'm excited that I've found something that might possibly have a market.

While I like my "all about me" blog, I'm also looking to pin my oldest son down to design me a website. One of these days... *sigh*

In the meantime, with very little in the way of supplies and equipment, I have managed to produce some amazing images that have made a few women VERY happy!

I love this job

2007-12-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

So I called the gal whose engagement pics I took last weekend and I heard her holler to her mom, "It's the photographer." That was so cool. I'm totally geeked out about that.

In the last few weeks, I've gotten so much support and encouragement and practice it's not funny! I have so enjoyed taking pictures and learning about lighting and exposure. I want to do some more practice to get better clarity on the eyes of my subject but that's just a matter of time. I'm going to try to get the grandkids tonight and use my mother-in-law's christmas tree to get a shot for some Christmas cards. I would like to make cards this year, and I probably still will, but only for those most important VIPs in my life. I still give a lot of cards and can't possibly make 150 cards. I just don't have the time.

So this weekend, I got to use my friend Renee for a model. She's an inspiration to me about living healthy and making your life what YOU want it to be instead of accepting the status quo. She's getting married in the spring and she's giving some glamour pictures to her finance for Christmas. I was so pleased with how the pictures came out!!!

We did some really sexy, glamourous pictures that I'm not showing the general public, but let me just say this...every woman should have some pictures like this!! I hope some day to be able to take some pics like this and share them on my (still in production) website for advertising.

Nick!

2007-11-20T13:21:00.001-08:00

Kat layouts

2007-11-20T13:20:00.001-08:00

Baby Lynn Layouts

2007-11-20T13:18:00.001-08:00

My favorite layouts

2007-11-20T13:17:00.001-08:00

My mission in life!!

2007-11-20T07:10:00.000-08:00

The Bible tells us not to think more highly of ourselves than we ought to. Sadly, many of us don't give ourselves enough credit.

I've said before that I think every woman should have a picture of herself that makes her feel beautiful. I mean it. Everyone should be able to see their own beauty. Not worship it, but believe it. Know that even when life is pouring lemons on you and you can't find your juicer, you still have worth and value and beauty.

Such is the case for my little sister in law. She's been a single mom for many years. She's been buried in life for so long that she was forgetting that she's a beautiful woman. This weekend, we did some pictures (some! more like 250!!) and I hope that some of the images that result will help her to remember that her beauty is not just inside. It's outside too.

Last one with film for a while!!

2007-11-13T19:30:00.000-08:00

This is Abby. My youngest niece. I just adore her! I rarely have to give her any instruction when she's posing for me.

Anyhow, this is from a bunch of shots I took at the park two weekends ago with my film camera. Today, my digital SLR (see post below) came in and I expect that I'll be using it for a while.

So much stuff!

2007-11-09T06:45:00.001-08:00

Let's see, so far I've saved the date for the wedding and set a date for the engagement photo shoot. I've gotten a new camera.

Now, I have to get a good photo for business cards and get those made up. I need to get a new flash unit and a light meter. Somewhere along the line I should acquire some confidence in what I'm doing. I need to get a website set up - gotta talk to David about that! - which means I need to hit up everyone I know to pose for me!!

Funny, but when I wasn't being paid, I had all the confidence in the world. Now I'm shaking in my boots. I am learning a ton though. I can't wait to get some studio lights and get a studio set up. I just want to take awesome pictures and have people love them.

And pay me for them! Okay. At least I'm honest.

This is the one

2007-11-05T08:12:00.000-08:00

After much research and internal debate, this is the camera I'm going with. I'm really happy about my choice. I'll be getting a 75mm - 300mm zoom lens also plus a 2G memory card. After the first of the year I'll get a good flash and a bag to carry it all in. Then maybe an IR filter for it. I know this is not the top of the line. But I'm expecting that with

I'm working on finding a good processing site (think I've got one) and on business minutia (contracts, expectations, business cards, tax stuff). I really should do some of the actual work I'm being paid for right now though.

my current favorite creations

2007-10-29T10:34:00.001-07:00

link to slideshow gone

So excited!!

2007-10-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of how these pics turned out! I am just psyched to get going with this stuff! I have a ton of ideas and have a tad bit of confidence now that maybe this can work.

I'm not ready to quit my day job, but maybe after I get my studio set up and do some glamour shots....who knows what the future holds?

Start Panic Mode now!

2007-10-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

I am so excited for one of my friends. She's getting married in May. This is not cause for panic.

Panic must now ensue because she's asked me to photograph her wedding.

I'm mostly worried about having the right equipment. I've got some great ideas for creative shots that will be more fun to hang on the wall of their new home than the usual shoulder-to-shoulder shots of every family member at the ceremony. Not that those aren't great shots to have! The creative part I'm excited about. It's the technical part and the "what if I screw this one-time-only event up?" that makes my stomach churn.

So I'll be doing some research. Lots and lots of research!!

More drool-worthy shoes

2007-10-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, that's enough for now. I need to get the drool off my keyboard.

My dream

2007-10-12T10:30:00.001-07:00

I won't drool too much on my keyboard. I want this camera. Bad.

And these shoes:

What I'm wondering

2007-10-10T06:42:00.000-07:00

So I'm wondering, in honor of today being Hump Day (any excuse, you know?), what you do to keep the Stress Monster at bay.

Me? I am not so successful at that. But playing computer games where I can kill stuff and zone the rest of the world out would be my #1 stress buster. Second would be scrapping or photography. Unless that photography involves people. That's a stress inducer if nothing is! Usually because I'm the one who wants the pictures not my model. Occasionally I'll get someone who wants their pictures taken and they're fun to work with, but usually it's me trying to learn how to take better portraits and begging a kid or friend to sit for me. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love getting a good photo. And one of these days I'm going to get a digital SLR camera (top of the line in cameras right now) and then I can quit this popsicle stand and go to work for myself!

How do you say no to this face?

2007-10-09T06:51:00.000-07:00

From the time we found out that our daughter was pregnant, I've been taking pictures. I took four and a half rolls of the labor and delivery process which only took about three or four hours once we got to the hospital. That along with my coaching responsibilities.

When we brought Lynn home from the hospital, the picture taking really got rolling. I have pictures of her doing everything you can think of. If she'll sit still, grandma will snap her picture. And grandma has many blurry shots that say she'll try to take pictures while the little doll is running around!

So what do we get now? Grandma has to hide her digital camera and keep the film camera securely tucked away so that the little doll can't get her hands on them. If she does, she hands the camera to you and makes this face:

I have quite a few of these shots now. But what can I say? I'm a sucker for such a cute smile!

Serious thoughts

2007-10-09T06:36:00.001-07:00

So today I saw the mentally retarded (not a value judgement, it's a DSM diagnosis) woman riding her very large tricycle down the street. Well, actually, I was at an intersection and she was sitting across from me (going the other way) and holding up traffic. She was apparently waiting for someone who had been walking behind her. My son who was in the car with me needed an explanation as to why we waited at the intersection for so long.

*brief Be A Responsible Driver speech*

But after dropping #2 son off at school I started thinking about how far we've come from the days when we put anyone who was "imperfect" in a home. My mom has a cousin with Down's Syndrome. About 55 years ago when she was born, the doctors told Karen's parents to put her in a home as she was be totally uneducatable. Her parents didn't take that and now Karen lives a life most would not believe possible.

In my state, we have a system where we maintain kids who are at risk of state (mental) hospitalization in their homes. Most of the time this works to a varying degree of success. There are still those kids who need long term hospitalization. But even just twenty years ago, all these kids were shipped off to the nearest state hospital and the average stay was 18 months.

Now I am completely aware that on occasion, society tends to act like a wildly swinging pendulum in a grandfather clock. Going so far one way that we snap back and go too far in the other direction within two generations. For instance, shipping every kid with emotional problems to the mental hospital for 18 months vs. keeping kids who SHOULD be in a hospital or home in their communities. Is there a middle ground? Is there a place where we recognize that in our desire to see everyone as "normal" we're really not helping anyone?

There are kids I work with who will never be "normal." Of course, we could go into a long rant about what is normal! But some of these kids will never be able to live on their own unassisted. They aren't likely to get married. Is there an appropriate time for us to accept some of these things and adjust our expectations accordingly?

Just thinking.

Stress Reducers

2007-10-09T06:27:00.000-07:00

Shortly after my uber-genius oldest son graduated from high school, he bought a computer game - to go with the souped up computer his father bought him. In an effort to spend every possible moment with him before he moved away from home to go to college, I started watching him play. That lead to letting him teach me how to play. Which lead to updating our old computer about a year later so I could play it on my own computer.

Oblivion, by Bethesda Software was 2006's game of the year. It is the coolest game I've ever played. I can't think of a better way to unload from a busy day than to sit down at the computer and instead of talking to people about their problems I just smash away at them with some mideaval war axe or claymore. Or maybe throw bolts of fire at them until they expire. Well, not all of my victims are people. Most are an assortment of cool creatures (walking down the road you're as likely to encounter a Minotaur Lord as a bear).

I like it for utter mindlessness. Some of my other hobbies require expensive supplies. Some require other people. But this one only needs me to get my youngest son (who is also hooked on the game) off the computer!

Something fun

2007-10-07T11:28:00.001-07:00

I really love doing these things. It's nice to know that after this many years, I at least partially understand my husband.

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone.
You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well.
Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

How Well Do You Understand Men?

What a great night!

2007-10-07T11:16:00.001-07:00

We had a blast last night! Stayed until the wee hours of the morning...danced...talked to lots of people I haven't spoken to in more than 20 years if ever...just had a great time.

And funny enough, no hangover this morning. Friday night I drank about 6 beers and woke up with a killer headache and a queasy stomach that lasted most of the day. Last night I had 6 really good margaritas and woke up fine. No headache. No queasy stomach. I guess I'm weird.

Anyways, there were some interesting things: it was supposed to start at 7:30 with a class picture at 8. We didn't get started until after 8:30 with the picture. Everyone who was there had to stand and say a little about themselves. It was nice to see who got old and who got fat. There were quite a few of the girls who were, I kid you not, skinnier than they were in high school. But they were also the ones who had multiple marriages and divorces behind them. Several either had no kids or were just starting out in married life. And we're all almost 40! There were a few couples married 15 to 20 years, which was impressive. And there are two other classmates who are grandparents, which was nice.

There weren't really any "hook ups" at my reunion like there were at Mike's last year. No one was really single. Or at least there didn't seem to be any who were "looking." There were a couple who actually live near me and work nearby who I think it would be nice to be friends with, but I suspect that we'll never be anything but friendly. There are a couple who I think I could be real friends with if we ever had the chance. Maybe we will.

But the strangest shocker of the night, for me, was when one of the gals I was sitting with told me that in high school, she'd been jealous of me. She envied my high school life. I just shook my head. I have spend 20 years doing everything I can to forget those three years and yet there were some who envied me. Unreal!

Better than I expected

2007-10-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

Last night was pretty fun. The football game was hardly a game. We'd scored three unanswered touchdowns in the first quarter. By the end of the game (50-something to 7), we were playing all the JV that never got much playing time.

After the game, several members of my class went to the VFW right across from the field. I drank too much "liquid courage" and am paying for it this morning.

This is not me:

But this is about how I feel today:

Friday Fun

2007-10-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

I love bubble wrap. I love the nice popping sound it makes when I squeeze each little bubble. Here's a spot of bubble wrap for you to play with!

This is it!

2007-10-05T07:52:00.001-07:00

This is it. Today kicks off my 20th high school reunion weekend. I don't know if one word would be sufficient to describe how I feel about it.

First of all, I hated high school. Several classes both before and behind my class have commented on how awful my class was, clique-wise. I never fit in. Was never "accepted" socially. Had no real friends in my class. Never dated anyone in my own class...well, there was ONE person ONE time. And despite the fact that it's been more than two decades since we walked across that stage and went our separate ways, there are classmates who act exactly as they did in high school.

To be fair, most haven't. But there are a few who just don't want to let go. Back then, it was my dad who didn't have the right job or the right amount of income or whatever. I didn't wear the right clothes or drive the right car. And I think my boobs were too big. Now, it me who doesn't make enough money. I'm sure I still don't drive the right car. So many were so shallow then and are still shallow now.

I don't think I'll ever come to the place where I can say I have enough friends. And more than that, having friends who are my same age is important to me. Not that my older and younger friends aren't "good enough." But having someone who is at the same stage in life that I'm in would be nice.

Mike is going with me, of course. I couldn't go without him. He even told me he was trying to figure out ways to make the girls I graduated with jealous. I love him!

Celebrity look-a-likes

2007-10-04T09:29:00.000-07:00

Pretty cool!

A new addition!

2007-10-04T07:43:00.000-07:00

So I'm on another site and there is discussion going on about whether or not men and women are equal. It might help to note that many on this particular site are young and from one fundamental faith or another.

It is the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Seven. The 21st century. And there are still people who do not believe men and women are equal. It is intensely frustrating to participate in these discussions beyond "this is what I think" posts.

So, to save myself some "ugh" moments, here's a picture of my granddaughter. This is the face she gives me when she begs to have her picture taken. And yes. She does beg. I have to hide the digital camera!

And here is a picture of our newest...well, it's not actually a picture of our newest grandchild. It's a picture of someone's grandchild (I suppose) at about the stage of gestation that OUR grandchild is at.

Our oldest daughter announced yesterday that she's expecting again.

Yes. We're quite excited!

Ouch!

2007-10-02T06:49:00.000-07:00

I like my new tattoo. It's a memory tattoo in memory of my niece and nephew. It's the only one I have that's readily visible (if I'm not wearing long pants) and the only one I'm sure of that my parents have seen (I have two others).

This is my grandson, Chris. He's such a little cutie. He's getting to the age where grandma and grandpa can play with him more and do more things with him. If you can't imagine, we're thrilled to our toes. We spent half an hour trying to get a picture of him and his cousin together. Exhausting, but fun!!

Today is another long day at work. Eleven and a half hours. The good thing is that I'll be getting all the unpleasant work out of the way and on Thursday and Friday I'll only have to work a few hours. Of course, hubby stays home sick today. When I won't be around. Not Thursday when I'll be home most of the day. *sigh* I guess he really is sick.

Are you one of those morning people?

2007-10-01T06:10:00.000-07:00

A co-worker asked me that this morning as I sat at the break room table, drinking so-so coffee and reading the op-ed page of the paper.

An hour ago, I could have said, with bleary eyes and hunched over back "NO!" with a few choice expletives. But unfortunately, it takes me about 10 minutes to wake up. And once I do, there's no going back. No matter what time of the morning it is. But since #2 son likes to be at school at 7:35, I just go to work directly after that.

This weekend marks my 20th high school reunion. In honor of that here is my senior picture.

Yep. I think that was the year I learned about eye brows! All my pictures before that are being hunted down and burned. My eyes look weird with now brows. Ok, technically, I have brows, but they're transparent. As are my eyelashes sans mascara. I've actually had people I know well not recognize me right off when they caught me without makeup. It's sorta funny to know it would be that easy to fool people if I were ever on the lam.

Anyhow...my reunion. Not really looking forward to it. I was not popular in high school. Well, that's not exactly right. I was more like invisible. I can't remember any good friends from my graduating class. There are a few that I was friendly with. And a few that I'm friendly with now. But no real friends. So why am I going? To see who got fat. Who got old. Who lost their hair. Who's all gray. Of course I suppose that means putting up with who's wildly successful, thin and married to a movie star. I can just imagine who that might be.

Well, despite all that, I'm taking next Sunday off (I teach an adult Bible study class and lead worship at my church) just in case I do have a good time and want to stay for the whole thing. We thought that we wouldn't like it last year when we went to Mike's 20th, but we did and ended up exhausted the next day.

Is this thing on?

2007-09-28T08:29:00.000-07:00

*brushing off the dust*

Wow. It's been a while since I've been here. I spend much of my time giving my less than humble opinion to various and sundry message boards. Maybe I need to work on the humble part a bit. Nah!!

So where has life taken me in these last few months? Nowhere I'd ask you to follow.

In July, my sister who lives in Louisiana came for a visit. At the tag end of her visit, she, our mother, her older two kids and the oldest daughter of our younger sister were on their way to decorate for our grandma's 80th birthday party. On the way, they were broadsided by a truck that blew through a stop sign at nearly 70 miles per hour. My niece and nephew, the oldest children of both of my younger sisters, were killed instantly. My sister lives today only thanks to the side airbag her van had. My mother and other niece were also injured pretty severely.

You can sort of prepare, as you get older I suppose, for the deaths of your parents and grandparents. Less than four weeks after these tragic deaths, my grandfather gave up trying to hang on and passed away. It was so much easier to accept this. He had lived a long and satisfying life. I have a lifetime of happy memories and very few regrets regarding him.

But you don't even consider that you'll ever bury children. They weren't my children. With the most guilty heart I thank God that my children - difficult as our relationships have been - are still alive. I grieve for my parents who lost two of their grandchilren. I only have to grandkids but I can't imagine losing either of them. I grieve for my sisters. They hurt in ways that I, as their big sister forever dedicated to taking care of them, can not alleviate. I hurt for my nieces who are missing a big brother and a big sister. But I hurt for myself.

I hurt because I only saw my nephew TJ 4 times in his life. I did not know him. And that opportunity is forever lost. I hurt because Kat was my mini-me. We were so much alike that my mother often called her "Tami." There were times in the last couple of years that I saw her and nearly wept. Not because she looked just like me (though the resemblance was there) but because she was like me. A little awkward. Tall and gangly. Pretty but so unsure of herself. A tomboy who wanted to be a girly girl and didn't quite know how to get from here to there.

I ache for the regrets. Kat died two weeks after her 10th birthday. On that day, I went to my friend's house to scrap. I could have told the friend we'd need to reschedule even though my sister hadn't told me about any planned celebration. A few weeks before the accident, we were at the lake and Kat wanted to play. I wanted to sit in the sun.

But one regret I don't have is that for the last couple of years, Mike and I have been taking Kat and her sisters to church. Kat had a ready and real testimony of God's work in her life. She invited others to church often. She told people about Jesus. She befriended new kids at church.

This picture was taken the day before Kat and TJ were killed. It's a vacation bible school program the girls all attended with some friends. TJ didn't go because he was a little too old (not quite 12). The niece who survived the crash told my oldest daughter that they had been singing when the accident happened. Thinking about that, it occured to me that they would have been singing the songs they learned in VBS. You can't know the peace it brings my heart to know that she went into eternity with praises to God on her lips.

Word Vomit

2007-03-01T07:06:00.000-08:00

If you've seen the movie "Mean Girls," you know what I mean by the term "word vomit." Sometimes, you just have to get something out. Purging it out here meant my friends were all spared a recitation of my woes. They likely appreciate that!

So I've decided that I'm the most pathetic individual on the planet. Due to a couple of very long hour days, I can't clock in until 11 am. I know. Woe is me.

However, I got to the office at 7:45 am. Yep. I'm just hanging out. Reading the paper. Eating a bowl of oatmeal and drinking my coffee. Reading blogs and posting to mine. Checking out the various message boards I belong to. All in an effort to avoid my own home.

It is a disaster. Really. Just horribly dirty. I can't move anywhere without tripping over something someone else should have picked up but left for me to do instead. I'll likely spend Friday evening and most of Saturday cleaning. I think I'm just taking the passive/aggressive role here. I live with one grown man and two teenagers (three if my daugher's boyfriend is still with us). I'm not the only one who can wash dishes (I'm just the one with the least time to do it). I'm not the only one who can do laundry, but I will continue to do that as I like things to go to their rightful owner. My daughter has a tendency to take my clothes.

So. Here I am. Hanging out in my office as the lesser of two evils. I need a new life!

Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

2007-02-27T06:22:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I bopped over here to post something new. Some days, I think I'm lucky just to get out of bed.

So. What's the current scoop? My oldest son is ashamed of us, I think. I've been asking him to come and visit for weeks (on an every other day basis, at least). Instead, he comes home with his roommate - whose mom lives in the same town as us - and stays at her house then calls at the last minute on Sunday to see if he can come and visit. Right before we're going to worship team practice. And then he didn't even come over. He's my son from my first marriage. I can't say how must that hurt.

Then there's oldest daughter. She who just became a mom. I've gotten to see my grandson maybe three times since she left our home (she stayed with us for about a week). I should probably make more effort to just get myself over to whereever it is she's staying and see him, but that takes time of which I have very little free.

Younger daughter is still a chore. Always wants something but doesn't lift a finger to pick up even her own messes. Her boyfriend is still living with us, but since his mom got out of jail, he'll probably be moving back home soon. That means I won't get to see my granddaughter much. He's her primary caregiver. My daughter likes to stay at his house as much as possible because she can cuss all she wants and smoke all she wants while she's there. Probably have sex with her boyfriend too. All things we just don't allow.

My youngest son has a mohawk. Spiked up with gel and eyeliner on his eyes to boot. He looks like the kind of kid I would not let my kids hang out with. It's hard to be out in public with him for the looks I get from people I know casually. I know it's only hair and that while he looks like a punk, he's really a very good kid (for the most part - he is, afterall, 13!).

My grandkids are healthy and happy kids. Whatever messes their parents are (their mothers are sisters, their fathers are brothers), those kids are doing great.

At church, I'm taking on a new role and I'm scared spitless. I've led worship before as a fill-in until someone permenant could take my place, then as back up for the pastor who does it now. But he wants to turn it over to me full-time. That's going to be a continual struggle for me. My class is going well, but I want to do something more there. Something more challenging.

My health is an issue these days. When hubby changed jobs, we changed insurances. The new one said my brain tumor was a pre-existing condition and wouldn't insure me for 12 months. So I haven't been able to take my meds. I'm lactating again (though not spontaneously like before) and I've stopped having periods again. My teeth need to be fixed, but it costs an arm and a leg and we're trying to get caught up on bills. I have headaches every day. I don't know if they're from the tumor or something new. I'm just waiting for the day my blood pressure goes from borderline to high (and it will - so says my doctor). The first thing she always says is to lower my stress but I'd have to run away from home to do that.

Work is a drudgery. I can hardly motivate myself to come here except for the time I spend on the computer. Which probably isn't good. More and more I just want to quit. The stuff with my boss isn't so bad because I've been working on it. But there are days when I would run away if I could.

And the icing on the cake? Hubby finally convinced me to sing with him at church. He's a bass and I'm soprano/alto so we have a hard time finding music that fits our voices. But we found one great song that's a bass/tenor duet that I can do. But the key is that he has to sing the melody and I have to harmonize. That's exactly opposite of what we're used to. I always sing melody and he always harmonizes. We were supposed to work on it last night. The kids were all gone at some church youth group (not our church) and we had the house to ourselves. He said he was going out to smoke his last cigarette of the nite (another thing I'm not happy about) then we could work on the song.

About 45 minutes later I realize that he hasn't come to get me. He was in bed reading. I got mad and started yelling. Then I realized something wasn't right. I asked and I was right. He was drunk. Stumbling drunk. We fought for hours. I kept trying to end it, because it's pointless to argue with a drunk. But we sleep in the same bed. I couldn't get him to let me disengage. He said some of the most awful, hurtful things about my character. I probably did the same. I've known for a long time that he had a problem in that area, but I honestly thought I was exaggerating. To have him admit to me that he believes he has a drinking problem was almost too much to bear.

So...my good deed for the day is this: See! Whatever you were dealing with isn't as bad as you thought, is it?

Back to your regularly scheduled programing

2007-02-13T11:14:00.000-08:00

Well, the conference was wonderful. I learned a lot and the house didn't burn down while I was gone. A HUGE mess was left but persons who shall remain nameless - but who all live with me!! - but I expected that.

When I got home it was to find my husband crying listening to some accompainment tracks we'd ordered last weekend. You know, despite all the problems we've had and all the crap that's still going on, I feel secure knowing that my husband desires God's will for his life. Everything else will fall into place. That secure feeling is pretty nice.

I got to do some scrapping with a few more pages just percolating in my mind. I've got a zillion pictures for layouts but no time to put them all together. I'm going to be going to my friend's house next week and hopefully I'll come away with a lot done. I'm pretty excited!

I am looking so forward to the time in my life when I'll have time for my life. It seems so unreachable right now. No time to scrap. No time for landscape photography. No time for exercising. No time to watch a movie.

Soon. I can feel it. Soon I'll have me back. Soon I'll be able to enjoy my life instead of rushing through it at top speed.

My creative manifesto

2007-02-08T05:47:00.000-08:00

Why do I create?
Because I must. It's as simple as that. I am a creative person who sees the world in that way. The more I create, the more that must come out of me!

What is the most important part of a scrapbook page for me?
The photos. I have really begun to enjoy photography so right now, the photo is king. It used to be the journaling, but that would have to be second and only when there's an important story to tell.

How does my attitude effect the outcome of my projects?
If I have a crappy attitude, it's like putting a dam over a river. Nothing flows.

What are my personal truths related to scrapbooking and creativity?
"Tell the REAL" story. I think my favorite layouts, well, the ones with the awesome photos are my favorite. But my second favorite layouts are the ones with the hard stories. Like when Mike got laid off. Or the one about how I felt having a brain tumor.

What do I tell myself each time I am working on a project?
"Do it right. Don't rush just to get it done." That's my worst quality in every area of my life. I get impatient, hurry through whatever it is and regret it.

Retreat!

2007-02-08T05:34:00.000-08:00

I'm headed up to KC to go to a music and drama conference with our church's piano player.

I realized that I never do anything just by itself. Even when I sleep...I toss and turn so much that I'm exercizing too! So while I'm at this conference learning how to be a good worship leader, I'll be using the down time as my personal spiritual retreat. I really need that. No matter how busy I'll be over the few days that follow trying to catch up on what I missed, I need some time to center myself, focus and remember what I do all this for.

Next weekend, I have a day off work so I have plans to go scrap with my best friend. THAT is soooooooo over due!! There are some mighty big differences in our lives and in our personalities but I have always felt like she is my sister. And more than that, she is the one person in my life who is in the same PLACE I am. Not geographically. But metaphysically. We're both moms to teens. We're both driven. We are both creative but had to have that pointed out to us. So many more things. I love her. :)

Blogging Challenge!

2007-02-02T06:57:00.000-08:00

What books and/or magazines did I read this month?

I have read several scrapbook magazines and re-read two mags on baby pages. I'm reading a book called "Worn Out Woman" that I'm enjoying. But all in all, my reading is down.

What movies and/or tv shows did I watch this month?

All the CSI shows that were new, a few episodes of Criminal Minds, NCIS and The Unit that were reruns and a little bit of junk on cable. Movies...I never have time for movies. Oh wait! Hubby and I watched the Disney/Pixar movie Cars. It was so cute!!

What special days did I celebrate and how?

The only special day I celebrated was the birth of my grandson. And I celebrated by cleaning the house. Yipee.

What gifts did I give and/or receive?

I gave the daughter who gave birth some diapers, wipes, baby wash and a cute footed baby coat. I gave a new outfit to both grandkids.

What illnesses or health concerns did I have?

I still worry about my pituitary tumor. Since changing insurance carriers with hubby's job change, I've been without my meds.

What fun things did I do with my friends and/or family?

I've spent a couple of days just "being" with hubby and one day spent with younest son and hubby shopping.

What new foods, recipes or restaurants did I try this month?

I haven't tried anything new, but I have taken back the job of chief cook at my house. We eat later, but we eat more regularly. I enjoy cooking again.

What special or unusual purchases did I make?

Just things for the grandkids. Nothing unusual. I have spent quite a bit of $$ on scrap/card stuff.

What were this month's disappointments?

I had to put off buying a new dryer. That totally sucks.

What were my accomplishments this month?

Ummmmmmmmmmm...I don't think I've done anything. Gads, what a sad state of affairs!!

Anything else noteworthy to record?

I've learned a little more about using my camera and most of my pics nowadays inspire people to ask if I had them professionally done. That makes me feel pretty good.

Here's a layout I did recently. My mother made me feel crappy because I usually showcase one good photo on a layout. I like it that way. But one of my resolutions this year is to use more photos on my layouts. This was Christmas with my mother's family. There were three babies having their first Christmas. Lynn was the star of that show!

Is it really the 21st Century?

2007-02-02T06:32:00.000-08:00

So this week I've been obsessed with gender wars. What gender wars you might ask. And surely you'd be correct in wondering where in this great country women are oppressed or made to feel like second class citizens. After all, our new Speaker of the House is a woman. In many states, the highest offices are held by women. Many corporations are helmed by women. And if I'm remembering my statistics correctly, more women then men are entering and graduating from college.

So what gives?

Did you know that several years ago, a woman was hired at a-shall-remain-unnamed seminary to teach Hebrew? Did you know that when that seminary got a new president, instead of granting her the tenure she was expecting, they fired her? Did you know that it was because the president's reasoning was because "the Bible forbids women teaching men?"

Yes. I'll give you time to pick up your dropped jaw and wipe up the spit.

There are also seminaries that won't admit women into their divinity programs (along with anyone who has been divorced) because they believe those two things disqualify one for pastoral ministry.

Sorry. And you'd just gotten your jaw picked up.

I've been reading blogs left and right all over the "blogosphere" about this issue. And let me tell you! I have never seen such theological hair splitting as I've been reading. There are basically two sides to the argument. One side (championed by groups such as the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood) claims that while equal, men and women are different and are given different roles by God. We/they call them complimentarians.

Are men and women different? Do you have a mirror? In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, "Duh!" Men and women are different. We look different. We act different. In fact, men are all different. Women are all different. What do we have in common? We're all made in the image of God. My beef with the CBMW centers around the belief that there are a set of qualities that are specifically male and a set of qualities that are specifically female. You don't have to be a serious student of human nature to know that's full of bologna!

Anyhoo, the other side (championed by groups such as Council on Biblical Equality) believe pretty much the opposite of the other folks. These folks are known as Egalitarians. They believe that men and women are equal in abilities and gifts and that no one should be barred from any certain ministry because of their plumbing.

The Complimentarians believe at the root that ordaining women will bring about the destruction of life as we know it. I'm quoting there. I swear. Both sides tend to get a little riled up when talking about the other. Debates can often be civil but there's usually one joker in the bunch who slings some mud on everyone else.

What about the hair splitting? Oh yeah! So there is one verse in the Bible, in I Timothy, that says "I suffer not a woman to teach or usurp authority over a man." That's the KJV. The NIV says something like "I do not allow a woman to teach or have authority over a man." The Complimentarians believe that this passage "obviously" says that women can't hold office or authority over a man or teach him Bible, doctrine or theology. In church.

Then there's the further splitting...what about seminaries? They are specifically for training pastors. Should someone who can't be a pastor train others to do so? Apparently not. Some apparently believe that a woman can teach a man music theory, but not a bible language. Can a man read the writings of a woman? Responses are divided.

So here's some of the really funny places this line of thinking takes us: if you're pulled over by a woman you know to be a Christian, how do you make her understand that she does not have authority over you (a man)? Or how about this: at what age does a boy go from being under his mother's authority to being in authority over her and any sisters he might have?

Can you see where this can go? And you might not be aware of this, but the number one thing that families where abuse occurs (physical, sexual, emotional) is substance abuse. Drugs and alcohol. But did you know that the second is religion? Apparently there are still plenty of men who take being head of their home to mean they own their wife and children. Plenty of men who believe that they have a right to beat their wives or have sex with their children.

*long drawn out sigh*

My father once pointed out that a couple of centuries ago, good Christian men and women defended slavery from pulpits across this country. But no one today would even dare to speak those words aloud. Perhaps someday in the future we will look back and wonder how those zealous few used the Bible to defend silencing and oppressing over half of the church's population.

We can only hope and pray.

Finally some pictures!

2007-01-26T07:00:00.000-08:00

I'm a film gal. I have so much fun taking pictures with my film camera that I rarely even remember I have a digital. But there are times when digital is needed. Like when people were clamoring for pics of my newest grandchild. I had to call my mother in law and she's not the best photographer!

So here he is! Christopher James Kia Martin (Kia is prounounced Ki but I couldn't convince my daughter to do something sensible like spelling her kid's name logically or phonetically).

He's adorable but rarely has his eyes open. So far. He's only two days old!

Here's a shot of Chris and his cousin Lynn. She's not so happy about sharing the limelight!

Life is hectic at my house right now. Hubby is tickled pink to have babies in the house again. I love them, but sometimes I wish I could have a moment to myself. Maybe I'm just selfish. I am thankful that I have a chance to get to know them and to cement our relationships so that going to grandma's house will be the best thing ever when they're older!

Here he is!

2007-01-25T13:23:00.000-08:00

I like to take film pictures. I had intended to take a couple of digital shots when Christopher was born so I could share but my batteries were dead. So I had to ask my mother-in-law to take a pic of him for me. I got a bonus. A shot of Christopher sleeping and my MIL's camera strap.

I hope that once I get my film developed (six rolls!) I'll have a good picture or two to share.

Well, now that I've got a little time...

2007-01-24T05:39:00.000-08:00

I can share the story of Christopher's birth. Or Kit. I kinda like that nickname. I'll probably come up with something else, but it'll do for now.

About a week ago, my daughter thought she was going into labor. She went to the hospital, they said her water had broke and she had a bladder infection. Apparently, after some IV fluids and antibiotics, they sent her home telling her to come in if she developed a fever. The week drug on with her having contractions but not strong ones and with no regularity. Finally, the doctor told her to come in on Tuesday morning (yesterday) and if she hadn't gone into labor before that time, he'd induce her.

They started the pitocin at around 8 that morning and it took a couple of hours for the contractions to get hard enough for her to be unable to sit and talk through them. She didn't want to get up and walk around claiming she'd been walking for days before hand. Her version of walking, however, was more of a shuffle. Her contractions were still irregular after about 4 hours and she was only progressed to about a 4 so the doctor came in and broke her water. After that, things picked up.

Now I might have said earlier that this child of mine has no tolerance for pain. I am serious, folks. She can't tolerate pain at all. She went from 4 cm to 6 cm pretty quickly. Between 6 and 8, was faster - or so it seemed. She was cursing loudly with every contraction. She wasn't cursing at anyone, thankfully, just exercising every swear word she knows. It was awful. Then at about 8 cm, she decided that it didn't matter that her mother, sister, grandmother and aunt were in the room with her (along with attendant medical personnel). She threw off the sheet and was laying there, spread eagle, for the world to see. There are some sights a mother just isn't interested in. *shuddering with the memory*

When she was almost fully dilated, the doc said there was just a rim of cervix left but that the baby was "sunny side up" or not in the best birthing position. We got Alex to get onto her hands and knees but she sort of slumped into a knees/chest position. We seriously thought she was going to take a header off the bed. But finally the anesthesiologist arrived and got her epidural in. Of course, by that time, it was so late that it didn't really kick in until well after the birth.

After Christopher James Kia Martin was born - and oh my gosh he was blue for so long!! - his father came into the room and got to be the first to hold him. My in-laws were not happy about that. He broke up with our daughter apparently because he'd rather smoke dope than hold down a decent job. He wasn't there for her during any of the pregnancy or the birth. The girl he left Alex for is now pregnant too. Lots of awful drama that I frequently wish was just a bad dream.

For some reason, and I really do not know what it is, I don't feel as attached to this grandchild. I'm far more scared that this child will be abandoned by his mother or be removed from his mother's care at some point. I'm scared that in the time of our lives when we're finally close to an empty nest and couple-time we've never had, Mike and I might have to raise another baby. I'm scared that she'll take off with him and we'll never know WHAT happened to him.

But for now, I've got 5 rolls of film to get developed. Yes. I'm old-fashioned. I use film. I'll try to get a digital pic today so I can share with everyone!

It's a boy!!

2007-01-23T18:13:00.000-08:00

I don't have pics to add yet, but I have a new grandchild, a boy!! I'm tired - though not as tired as his mother, my oldest daughter. We weren't sure he'd ever get here but he finally did at about 1:40 this afternoon. He weighed exactly what his cousin (our almost-10-month old granddaughter) weighed when she was born: 6 lbs 9 ozs. He was 20 and one quarter inches long and had a 13 inch head.

I'll get some pics soon, but trust me: he's the most beautiful baby boy ever.

Yak Tracks

2007-01-17T06:47:00.000-08:00

They're not just a blog title! The company I work for provided Yak Tracks for everyone a year or so ago. They apparently work pretty well. I've never used mine but my 13 year old son says they make slogging back up the hill when sledding much easier.

I may have to wrestle them away from him, however. The parking lot here is a solid two inches thick with ice. Not sheet ice like you'd get from freezing rain but more two packed inches of ice pellets like you get from sleet. It looks like snow but acts like ice! Such fun.

Ah well. I just like to remind myself that at least I still have job. Got a e-mail from the "powers that be" here a week or so ago saying that there was some good news that would be shared at an optional meeting. The good news? I asked a coworker who went and this is what she said: "We still have a job." I think the jury is out on whether that's good news or not!

I'm also having an exciting good time with taking pictures. I tried natural light with black and white film and got great results. This is one of my favorites from that shoot. It's a little dark but I like how it turned out.

I took all the good shots (from 5 rolls of film I got about 30 pictures that I really like) to my parents just to get the ooh's and ahh's that I crave. They have a different eye for photography than I have. I'm going to have to introduce them to the "rule of thirds." Maybe then they'll quit telling me that the picture would be better if the face of the subject was directly in the middle of the shot.

I favor an "artsy" look. And news photos. I really like pictures that tell a story.

And news from the frozen middle is...

2007-01-12T07:12:00.000-08:00

dang it's cold!!!

That wind is like a knife. Not pleasant. I hate having to get out in weather like this. But I've got a three-day weekend ahead of me. Yea! One day of really sleeping in.

So it would seem that at my office, I've been voted one of two people who should never make the coffee. My coffee is great! It's just that my coffee is also strong. You could probably use a cold cup of my coffee to tar a roof if it needed a patch. But hey! someone let the pot get too low this morning when I went down for my morning cuppa. Now everyone will go around wired to the gills. heh heh heh

I've found a new blog that I just love. It's by Leadership magazine (a branch of Christianity Today's family of magazines) and it's by and for women in leadership in the christian community. For so long I have felt gifted and led into positions of leadership but at the same time I've felt this weight that I shouldn't be doing that.

Right now, I teach the middle and senior adult Sunday School (a type of Bible study). I also co-lead worship. Within the next several months, I'll be taking over leadership of that as well. I might have mentioned something about this in an earlier blog. It has just been nice to find a place where good godly women can be who and what God has called them to be.

Slogging through Hump Day

2007-01-10T07:25:00.000-08:00

Somehow, what it looked like in my head did not translate really well to film. Ugh. I'm hoping my daughter will come over this weekend so I can try again. I want to try some shots with natural light. And I'm not sure I want to even go with the same processing lab anymore as I've been really unsatisfied with the results. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of options. I would love to develop the black and white film myself, but I don't have the stuff.

Work is going....well, just going. I'd like to say great, but that's not usually the case. The kids are just the same. Either great or awful. I don't know what we did differently with the girls that they should turn out so differently than the boys. One daughter seems not to care what happens to her brother, just so long as he doesn't get anything that she didn't get. She doesn't seem to care that he's 13 and she'll be 17 in a month. It breaks my heart. I remember getting in trouble at school once because of an assignment that I felt was unfairly handled. I bucked the system because I knew I had a sister coming right behind me the next year and I didn't want her to have to go through that. To think one of my kids doesn't care what happens to her siblings really bothers me.

I think the bottom line of my foul mood is that I was lied to. Hubby said he talked to our daughter and her boyfriend (yes, the same one as above). They arranged between themselves for the boyfriend to watch their daughter at our home while everyone was at work or school. WITHOUT running it by either of us. Not reasonable. I was not pleased and told hubby to make sure they didn't do that anymore. He said he did. Imagine my surprise when I got up this morning to find the boyfriend sleeping on the couch with no intention of leaving when I left for work. He claimed hubby hadn't talked to him. Someone lied to me.

Of all the things in life that hurt, that is the worst.

Things I love

2007-01-09T06:39:00.000-08:00

The newest Pirates of the Carribean movie is due out in May. Yep. I'm excited. It's hokey and cheesy, but my God that man looks good in an overabundance of eyeliner!! I also understand that he's starring in the Tim Burton film version of Sweeny Todd. Can life get any better? Oh, yes. Apparently it can. I just watched a trailer for the new Harry Potter movie. Daniel Radcliffe has apparently gotten tired of that mop he's been wearing on top of his head and is sporting a sexy new 'do. I occasionally have twinges of ickiness at having such a special place in my heart for a KID, but he's cute!!

There's a new Shrek movie due out this year, too. Can't get enough of the big green guy. And of course all the naughty fairy tale references. My niece loves that movie. When my daughter was pregnant, she insisted that she was having a baby too (she's 3). When asked who the father of the baby was, she said "Shrek."

This is one of my favorite layouts ever. Mostly because it's subtle and simple and includes one of my favorite pictures of Lynn.

In a few weeks we should be welcoming a new bundle of grandparent joy into the world. Oldest daughter is due any time. I haven't been able to take many pregnancy pics of her because she never comes around. I'm hoping she'll come by tonight so we can take a couple of pictures. She's got a great pregnant belly. Big and no stretch marks!! I'm also hoping for some good quality picture taking time with her baby. I've got an entire album of Lynn starting with the first belly pic through the day of her birth. Then another album of her first three months. But Nina and Lynn were available for me to take those pictures. I fear that this grandchild will see fewer layouts/pictures and think he was less loved. As probably many "seconds" do. How do I explain "Your mother never came around"? I guess I'll just have to fight for it. For now, I'm googling images of infant photography to get ideas of what I might try with the little guy.

I got an article on using natural light in photography and I'm dying to experiment. After reading it and getting all psyched, I realized that I have precious few opportunities to try. I think I'm just going to have to take a day off of work. I do have one good window (a bay) that gives me great natural light, but only if I'm home with a subject who will allow me to take their picture. But the window itself is ugly (very old and not in a good way). I've found a couple of spots around town that would be great backdrops, but again...time during daylight to take pictures is needed!!! I don't get off work until after the sun goes down!!! And most of Saturday is spent on laundry. I'm going to give it a shot this weekend anyways.

Oh!! The worst news...the guy who's in charge of this sort of thing at work has allowed the sugar canister to become empty. I'm going to have to remember to bring sugar to work with me tomorrow or something very bad will happen. I have to have sugar in my coffee.

Stay tuned for developments as they occur.

latest pics

2007-01-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

Here's our latest family portrait. I asked my mom to take the photos and I'm not as thrilled with the outcome as I have been with some of the ones I've taken lately. That's what I get for having to be IN the pics!!

But this is my brood, including our daughter's boyfriend. I debated having him in the pics, but decided that because he is our granddaughter's father, he will always be a part of our family.

Now, isn't this the most beautiful little girl you've ever seen? Never mind! She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen and that's all that matters to this grandma!!!

And here's the hubby and I. I'm hoping that this year will be the year I get studio lights for my little set up. When my younger daughter leaves home (hopefully in the next 6 months), I'm taking over her room. I've got it all planned out in my head. I know where all the stuff for scrapping is going and where the backdrops and my little photo studio will be! I'm dreamin', sister, and I'm dreamin' big!!

A shout out to the girls!

2007-01-08T08:04:00.000-08:00

The first group of folks I've notified about my blog are.....*drum roll please* my scrappin' friends.

Hey girls!! And Rick :)

I have experienced a down turn in my scrapping out put lately due to computer and digital camera problems, but I still keep my hand in it. I go to my best friend's house as often as I can for some scrapping time and at home I make cards often. Our associate pastor's wife told me yesterday that not only does she love my cards, she looks forward to them. I'm going to have to make her one this week!

I've always been one of those craft-less people growing up. Well, that's how I viewed myself. I had many artistic desires but never an outlet. I can't draw to save my life. And decorating? Fuggitaboutit. My house usually looks like something out of Early Salvation Army plus a little A Dog Lives Here.

Then my best friend got hooked into scrapbooking. Then, with skills that would do a drug dealer proud, she lured me in. The together we hooked my mom and my sister. But I don't regret it. I do regret losing my dining room table, though. But let's not referr to it that way. It's called "the scrap table."

Scrapbooking, for me, is all about artistic expression. Not memory preservation. I know that many are gasping in shock right now, but that's just the way it is. I love finding creative ways to display a picture. And more and more, it's about the photography. Photography is quickly becoming my number one "If I could just quit my day job" dream. I love experimenting with different lighting and poses. My trouble is, of course, finding willing models. I can take only so many pics of my husband!

I used to dream about being published, but that was starting to take the joy of scrapping away so I dropped that dream. I've never regreted it.

Finally Friday!

2007-01-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

No matter how short the week was, I am always so happy to see Friday! This week is no exception.

I belong to a few message boards and there's this one where the people there are very sincere, but seem to be a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Always fretting over the least little thing. Really. Making stuff up to worry about. One worried one day if it were a sin to act. Like in a movie. Isn't that lying, it was questioned.

There seems to be a complete lack of ability to think for ourselves, stand for what we believe or just have some common sense!

Probably the biggest problem is so many people either 1) subscribe to the cafeteria brand of religion and just pick and choose what they want to believe in or 2) simply don't know what they believe in the first place.

I know it might be going out on a limb to say this, but I have to respect the devout Muslim. I certainly don't agree with what they believe (being a devout Christian myself) but to accept the whole of one's faith is to be commended. I have no respect for those who claim one faith or another and then only observe the parts they like and claim the rest is "wrong" or "false" or whatever.

For instance, I believe that the Bible is the holy, inerrant, infallible Word of God. That means that when I don't understand something I have to acknowledge it. I can't just decide that part is wrong or shouldn't be there. I just have to accept that there are things I don't understand and try to work around it. Whether I like what it says or not.

It's also my responsibility, after I've grown spiritually, to make sure I am educated in spiritual matters. I can't blame everyone else for any lack thereof.

Looking around the universe and questioning

2007-01-04T06:44:00.000-08:00

Every wonder why you're here?

Okay, I indulge in navel gazing from time to time. It's only occasionally productive. So today, I'm wrestling with a new step in life.

About a year and a half ago, I took on the job of leading worship at my church. I already teach the adult Bible Study class (middle and senior - basically everyone my age and up). That is rewarding. I love it. But, while I love singing and all that music stuff, I feel wholy unqualified to lead worship. But, with our pastor leaving and no one else able to do the job, I agreed to do it.

Then we got a new pastor. He has a great voice and has actually been a music minister before. He asked if I wanted to stay on as worship leader. I declined and gave my reasons (basically that I felt I was filling in and that this wasn't my calling). He asked if I'd stay on as the start to a worship team with him. I agreed. It's actually been fun to sing with him. He's got a great voice and an awesome sense of humor. All I really do is sing the songs.

Well, a few weeks ago at choir practice, he announced a new direction the music ministry of the church would be going. He announced to the choir that I would be taking over leadership of the worship team...WITHOUT TALKING TO ME FIRST.

Now, I ask you: would you have been flumoxed? I certainly was. So I stared wrestling with it. Then, when he asked for committment from me and the others he was asking to be a part of the team, I was able to affirm that I was ready to take a new step. Maybe I should say I was willing to take a new step in faith!

So, here I am. Almost 40 years old. Sunday School teacher who wrestles with her own demons now embarking on a whole new ministry. It makes Sunday a VERY busy day. I thought that the first thing I should do is study what the Bible has to say about worship. Why we do it. How it should be done. That sort of thing.

The very first site I find tells me that I am grossly sinning. Women should not teach men. Women should not lead men. I attended a Southern Baptist church most of my adult life (we go to a Nazarene church right now). Although I believe to the depths of my soul that God has placed within me the specific gift and desire to teach adults, I still question it. Even though He seems to be leading me into this role of worship leader, I still question it.

A wise man once told me that church leaders supported slavery with the scriptures for centuries. I look at those same scriptures and just can't figure out how they did it. This wise man then suggested that some day, many years hence, we'll look back and wonder how church leaders were able to support keeping women out of ministry using those same scriptures.

I would guess many of you don't rightly care about this sort of thing. But it really keeps me up at night.